Wednesday, February 18, 2009

take it head on

- VERY gradually in the process of moving myself into nathan's. piece by piece, i will get there. i feel like i should perhaps have nerves or something about it, but i don't. we've practically lived together for so long, that it'll just be such a convenience and a pleasure to make it official.

- i think i'm coming to terms with the idea that i DON'T want to grad school. well, not in september anyway. i do intend to go, but i've almost made up my mind that i would like to wait a year or so. i think i've known this in my heart for quite some time, and i've spent a lot of tears and energy trying to convince myself that it was okay. i've always pushed, pushed, pushed...and now i just need a moment to breathe. i need to get some clarity. some focus. i'm only 22 and have spent five years in university. i do not feel like i am losing anything by taking some time off. grad school is just too expensive to go if my heart is not 100% into it, and right now, it's not. my heart is in many places as of late, but it does not feel like being in school.

- i feel like i've become lately. i can tell summer is coming. i'm feeling all introspective and motivated to set goals for myself. i'm feeling inspired. and passionate. and comfortable in my skin. and i want to EXPRESS these things in so many ways!

- i miss my friends. the way they were. the way WE were. but i realize you can't force that sort of thing. as much as you want to hold on to those moments and keep them in perfect little boxes, you just can't...and it makes my heart ache a little. but i blame myself less and less. in fact, there is less and less blame in general. i don't think anything bad has happened. i HOPE nothing bad has happened. it's and it hurts, but it's real and it serves as a reminder of how important it is to hang on to those special moments. to really soak them in and appreciate every second.

- my family is a beautiful mess. i love them each individually, and i love them as a whole. they confuse me. they intrigue me. they frustrate me. but...they're mine. and we need to learn to pull this off. family exist so we don't have to go at it alone. we all need to remember that, because- for the strangest reason- it seems easy to forget somehow.

this growing up thing...i feel like it's screeching in my face. there's no avoiding it. but it's not so terrible.

my spirit remains young, afterall.

ps: reading week HAS included some reading. and some writing. and some researching. i am proud of myself!!


1 comment:

AL said...

I feel like we're at the same point in our lives. So many decisions to make and it FEELS like there is so little time. Truthfully, we are still young and we have all the time in the world. I just have this little thing in the back of my mind wanting myself to face reality, grow up and start an actual life. I'm happy for you and Nathan making that next step. It was innevitable and needed considering your current living situation. I know that all your decisions will work out for the best. You've got a good head on your shoulders.