Sunday, January 11, 2009

decisions, decisions and managing time

...i went to pay my tuition last week, only to find that my scholarships had covered it, and i had a much greater surplus of cash coming to than i was expecting. osap hasn't arrived yet, but even with the leftover scholarship money, i was able to pay off the rest of my line of credit, and still have some savings left over! once osap arrives, i should actually be somewhat financially secure. of course, none of this is MY money. it all just contributes to my ever deepening pool of debt. just the same...i'm tempted to buy myself a somewhat extravagant present. a macbook perhaps?! week into classes and i'm already feeling like i'm so far behind. i'm SO glad that i don't have a full course load. even with just the three classes and my directed study, i've got a LOT of researching, writing and time management ahead of me.

...being back to school has also served as a reminder of how much i appreciate weekends. no work. no class. sleeping in. good meals. partying, if i'm so inclined. a chance to try and gain some headway on the mountain of things that needs to be done. i feel as though this weekend i've slackd a bit, but sunday isn't over yet...i can still redeem myself. grad application is really adding to the stress of things and i can't wait until it is done and in the mail. dr. abbott agreed to write me a reference letter, but he insists that my grad application is top notch first. he's been SO helpful, but my meeting with him last week proved that i had forgotten some things, and i basically need to redo it all. i also need to call dal and talk to the lady in charge of the internship placements to see what sort of potential there is for me. additionally, i've made another appointment with matt campbell to see if my cv is important. this is all due on feb 1st, and so it NEEDS to get finished and sent out next week. i just feel like putting all of this focus on my grad app is taking me away from focusing on school, and i don't want to fall behind before the semester even gets started!!! ...and i still don't even know if i want to GO to grad school.

...i had the realization last week that...i can go anywhere. i think for most of first semester, i had it in my head that i either had to stay here in north bay or go to halifax, and that these were my only real options. this is SO untrue, and i feel a great relief in opening my mind to more possibilities. of course, i'd LOVE to move to the east coast at some point, but if i decide against grad school (for now anyway), i'm not sure that there will be many job opportunities for me straight out of school. if the stress from school and deciding what i want to do for the rest of my life isn't enough, i feel like every relationship in my life is going through somewhat of an overhaul, and it weighs heavy on my heart.

i have no idea what i want to do with myself, i have no time to figure it out and debt is sure to consume me. i'm stressed to the max. and the semester has JUST started.

just push through i guess. persevere. i don't really have any other options.

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