Thursday, July 31, 2008

the insatiable miss

i guess i'm truly blessed in that it seems like i can't be anywhere without my heart aching for those whom i love enough to miss. it's a real coming of age thing that i've been struggling with ever since i first moved away. while i thought that it would get easier as time progressed, it seems that in reality people only become more spread out, both physically and emotionally.

when i'm in north bay, i miss my family and closest lady friends from highschool, but as soon as i go see them, i miss nathan, the friends who are like family, and the sense of home that i have built here. i haven't even left yet, and i'm feeling that sinking knot of homesickness as i try to accept that i'll be gone for just over a week. it's only a week!! it should be nothing...but just the same, i can't help but feeling a sense of injustice.

on the other hand, i'm very excited to see my family and spend time at my grandparents, reliving childhood memories and building new traditions [i'll talk about that a little bit later because i think you might find it interesting]. above all, it's really important for me to get in some quality time with my grandmother as it may be one of my last opportunities to do so...a thought that makes me physically ill. i seem to go through phases where i turn the harsh reality of my grandmother's failing health off and on in my head. the other morning i awoke in a panic to find the switch had been turned on, and it's been troubling me ever since.

i'm also curious to see what it'll be like to see my dad again. it's been two years now, with very little communication, over which time i've built up some undeniable resentment. just the same, i imagine our encounter can go in any direction. he should be honored really. i've never given so much thought to my biological father.

and of course, i can't forget the fact that i get to spend a week with the wife! with everything that's been on my mind lately, i keep overlooking how excited i am for that!! regardless of how the rest of the trip goes, seeing her always brings light to my life.

i think overall, it's going to be a solid week. it's certainly something i need to do for a variety of reasons...but that does not change the fact that an important part of growing up is facing the fact that people come and go, and also realizing that love always triumphs over time and distance. still, that doesn't stop the heart from missing. nothing really ever does.

on a similar sort of note...

"you'll see when you move just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. and you can never get it back. it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. i mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. you won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start. it's like a cycle or something. i miss the idea of it. maybe that's all family really is...a group of people who miss the same imaginary place."- garden state

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