confession's of a [former] wastecase superstar

back to my roots

2009-08-19T09:53:00.003-04:00

the contest is over, and so is my time at nipissing. my short-lived career as an undergrad student and a wastecase has come to an end. for a while i thought i liked this blogger thing better, but right now i'm missing my roots, my history and my privacy. for those of you who i've given permission to follow my other blog over the years, feel free to keep up my exploits there! anyone else, check my tumblr and find out what's cool and uncool in the world according to athena. i swear tumblr is the future of blogging. you all caved into facebook, and one by one you're all caving to twitter...you might as well tumble too.

peace out bloggers!

rest assured

2009-08-04T23:39:00.002-04:00

i'm still aliiiive! thankfully life has picked up a little bit and i don't really see it slowing down much for the next little while. august shows great promise with some upcoming birthday celebrations (including my own!), two trips to toronto and my triumphant return to the land of the employed.

my past two weeks have been spent at nathan's cottage and at home at my grandparents for lughnasadh. all in all it was a pleasant vacation and i enjoyed the family time, although i am definitely happy to be home in my own bed, surrounded by my own things.

we're currently going through a room mate switch, and in the process, losing and acquiring all sorts of things. it feels like a fresh start and i'm pretty excited. the house was starting to feel a little...stagnant. upon moving in, tyler brought all sorts of new houses and playthings for the crabs which has left them active, and i can only assume...delighted. this makes me happy :). i missed the little guys while i was on vacation. johannes seems to have undergone a successful molt, which i am quite pleased about!

this evening, nathan and i went to see the new harry potter movie for the second time. it was just as enjoyable the second time around, and although i now feel like i might explode, i enjoyed gorging myself with popcorn and iced tea [free, courtesy of my scene points].

and now, if you'll excuse me, i look forward to getting some sleep in my own bed!! goodnight!

xo for michelle

friends

2009-07-07T17:29:00.005-04:00

i know a ton of people and i've got a ton of acquaintances...but i'm definitely feeling the shortage of FRIENDS lately. acquaintances are good in large numbers or when partying, but i tend to feel pretty awkward in other situations. i could probably count on one hand, the number of people that i feel comfortable hanging out with one on one. with nathan working full time and my being unemployed, i spend LOTS of time alone, which i am okay with...but i am starting to get terribly lonely. plus, i think that because i spend so much time alone, when i AM with people i find it even more difficult than usual to interact.

i went on facebook to message some people regarding potential hangouts...and ended up drawing a pretty big blank. and this is okay. this just means i have to put myself out there more. it wouldn't be the first time, but i'm finding it more difficult now. i've been in north bay long enough that most people my age are pretty well established in their own little niche. this doesn't mean that they can't be nice or anything, or that i can't hang out with them...it just makes it harder to fit in.

when i get into periods of time like this, i often wonder how i ever made friends in the first place. but i have. i mean, i've had friends. i've had lots of friends. and i still DO have friends. but man, meeting people is tough. not feeling so completely awkward and shy when i AM around people is even more tough.

it never fails...when it's summer, i'm wishing for september to roll around, and during the school year, i just dream of summer...and all the while, LIFE is happening. i know i should take control of my destiny and be grateful for every day, and i am. i really am. but it's still hard sometimes.

this is what i do

2009-07-06T18:07:00.004-04:00

people have asked me numerous times this summer upon finding out that i'm presently unemployed...

"...so what do you DO?"

well, aside from feeling a bit like a bum...i actually keep pretty busy. i'm rarely bored at least. i spend a LOT of time alone. nathan works about 30 hours a week, during which time, i'm almost always alone. i rarely feel like 'wow, THAT was an incredible day', but the time passes quickly enough. when it's nice out, i go biking, hit up the gym, go for walks, read in the park or take pictures. lately, it seems like its been mostly rainy so i've stayed confined to my room a lot. i play video games, read, paint, cook, clean, organize, run errands, surf the interweb...today i plunked on my guitar a little. it's not great, but its not terrible either. i just get a little uncomfortable when i don't have a lot on the go, much less...nothing.

i suppose i could volunteer or something, but maybe i'm just not motivated enough. i certainly could and should continue my job hunt...but it feels so pointless now that i will be back at the wall in less than two months. especially considering, i'd like to take two or three weeks for other adventures. just the same, i'm starting to think...lie in order to get a crappy job, work it for a couple of weeks and then quit. at least then i don't have to be so stressed about money. and whose feelings am i so worried about hurting anyway?! people do it all of the time without a second thought. it's not like any crappy summer job i pick up is going to be reference or resume-worthy anyway. so, that's what i'm thinking. i just need a day where i feel like i won't get caught in lightning so that i can walk up to the school to print off a few more resumes. every little bit will help at this point!

in other news, nathan passed his g1 test and plans to write his g2 test by the end of the month...so hopefully we should get the car by then! i'm so excited for this! yes, it will cost us a bit of money for gas and insurance and whatnot [not a big deal once i'm working full-time], but it offers us such FREEDOM! we're hoping to drive it to nathan's cottage in madoc at the end of july, and then to toronto mid-august for the llama photo shoot/athena's great summer adventure! wheee!

most days i'm good with entertaining myself, but today i'm getting a little stir-crazy. i'm really due for a sunshine-y day.

"hey, remember when athena used to be fun?"

2009-07-03T15:15:00.004-04:00

this is a question that a few people have asked nathan, and a few have even had the audacity to ask me directly. "hey, remember when you used to be fun?". well, fuck you! seriously! are you suggesting that i was better company when i was too drunk to know who i was or where i was than i am when i am in a sober state of mind?! would you prefer me reckless and vomiting?! would you like me to feel embarrassed and ashamed? call me crazy, but i'm just not seeing the 'fun' in that. i had no idea that i was so boring when sober, but if you think that...then you don't know me and you never did and i don't want your company. you don't deserve me.

YES, i was a party animal and i had a good time doing it...but these things get out of hand, and when they get out of hand, they stop being fun. what good is fun when i don't remember it? what good is ANY of it when i'm not even myself?! i wasn't so much 'fun' as i was a laughingstock.

my partying habits may have changed, but i'm still the same person! i'd like to think that i'm still enjoyable company...in fact, i'd HOPE that i am much better company these days! i'm not a recluse by any means. i still go to the bars and/or attend parties a couple of times a week, and i usually drink while doing it. i'm certainly no straight edge [although i'd still be just as rad if i was]. i've just learned about moderation. i've got a sense of my limits and i try to stay within them...i try to stay in control. and sometimes...sometimes, i just don't feel like drinking at all! sometimes, i want to just go out and have a sober good time, and i find more 'fun' in this than in obliteration. it doesn't mean i'm pissing on your parade. drink as much as you want! i hope you're having fun!

i don't need rude comments or to be singled out...but i could benefit from a little common courtesy. i'm a pretty shy person, and friendliness goes a long way with me. if you want to know why i'm not always super-outgoing...think of why YOU are drinking in the first place, and how it feels to be the sober guy at the party. it's not always easy, but it doesn't mean that it can't still be fun. this change in my life has been personal and i'm happier because of it. i believe in self-betterment and working to achieve more of what you want out of life, and that's exactly what i'm doing...

and you know what? i'm having fun doing it.

moving trucks and miniatures

2009-06-28T12:20:00.003-04:00

it used to be a little strange and amusing that nathan spent a lot of time hanging out with his professor, because i couldn't really fathom ever having a relationship like that with any of my profs. i was definitely the sort of student who didn't really have much presence in class. i did well in school, but i didn't usually get involved in class discussions or ask a lot of questions. i didn't often take advantage of office hours, and i never stayed to chat after class. this has just never really been my scene, although, i've known a lot of people who have benefited from this sort of relationship and it is definitely one of nipissing's most endearing qualities.

anyway, nathan and his prof are pretty good friends now and hang out a lot. i've gone for a few dinners and some rpg action. his prof and of course is family are all pretty rad. naturally, when they asked for some help with moving, nathan and i were more than happy to oblige.

nine and a half hours of ball-busting work. not one, but TWO giant national trucks full of boxes and furniture. thankfully, there were good people involved and the weather was perfect, albeit hot. it really wasn't that big of a deal. when all was done, i definitely had a real sense of accomplishment to accompany my aches and fatigue. we wrapped up the night with tons of food, beer, sangria and rock band. i gave an impressive rendition of down with the sickness. all in all, it was an enjoyable day and evening.

steve [the prof], is really into comics, and role playing games and miniatures and the like [trust me, i know, i moved close to half a moving truck full of the stuff!]. he said there's probably actually quite a market, even in north bay, for people who are willing to paint miniatures, which sort of gave me an idea for self-employment. it just so happens that i enjoy tedious tasks like that, and have really been interested in painting lately as it is. i used to paint them for my papa and dad when i was a kid. apparently, if i got really good and was able to paint like 4 per hour, i could be making between $10 and $15 bucks an hour!! well, that's not bad at all considering the nature of the work. since i'm still pretty inexperienced, i'd be willing to do it for even less than that...3 figures for $10 or something like that. anyway, its something worth looking into. i need to do a little research and get some practice to ensure that i don't completely suck first.

as for today, it's a grey sunday and every part of my body feels achy, so i'm definitely going to be a bum all day long. i plan to play animal crossing, start a new jigsaw puzzle, make homemade mac and cheese, watch movies and clean up my digital music collection. MAYBE, if i get real ambitious, i'll work on this cookbook recipe project that i have planned [more about that on another day!]. lazy? perhaps. but after all of my hard work yesterday, i've earned it!

thoughts from home

2009-06-22T18:05:00.002-04:00

I’m writing from home. Well, the place that I generally refer to when people ask about ‘home’ anyway. For me, home is much more of an abstract idea comprised of certain people, emotions and memories, rather than a physical place. While, I’m here, at home, I’m still homesick for the ‘home’ that is North Bay. There is a hole in my heart where Nathan and those special people and places live. At the same time, there is a constant yearning for some sort of place that I don’t think really exists for me...well, not at this point in my life anyway. I imagine I will find it along the way, and I hope with everything I have that all of these fragments of my life that I consider ‘home’ will weave themselves together.

I guess before I continue, I should explain why I am here in the first place. I am not sure how much of this I have written about, so I will take you back to frosh week, because that is when things started to become real for me. I had literally just finished muddy Olympics, and I was standing at the bus stop, wearing a garbage bag, covered in mud, when I received the call for my grandmother saying that one of her tumours [she has a few] had let go and she was hemorrhaging. I wasn’t to come home immediately, but she would keep me posted. At this point she was told that she had 3 to 6 months left to live. Now my grandmother redefines ‘trooper’. As it turned out, I didn’t have to go home, and I finished out frosh week, with the best enthusiasm I could muster. Eventually the bleeding slowed down, and she started to regain her strength. It’s been ten months and my grandmother has been keeping herself as busy as possible. She always says that she’d rather spend her last months living rather than laying around waiting to die. She has bled pretty consistently, and sleeps a lot, but she still calls me every week. She’s had girls nights with friends, learned to play rock band, taken a weaving course, gone on numerous road trips, and cashed in her life insurance for a new car and appliances. Her sense of humour remains fully intact and her fierce, fighting spirit continues to be a force to be reckoned with.

The night after my graduation, moments before heading out to the much anticipated porch party at Holly and Lemo’s, I received a call from my grandmother. Her tumour had burst again and she was hemorrhaging worse than ever. The in-home nurse that visits now and then told her she should start making her phone calls and saying her goodbyes. So she did. She also told me that at this point, she still did not want me to come home. We had had such a nice visit for graduation, and she wanted to keep it at that. So I pulled myself together and went to the party and I danced my ass off...because I figured that’s what she would want. At midnight I discovered a message I had missed on my cell phone. I listened to it in a private place, urgent and terrified, only to hear my grandfathers voice assuring me that the bleeding had subsided. I was so overwhelmed with relief and emotion that I could barely catch my breath. I wanted to scream and throw up and cry all at the same time. I opted to do none of the above, and return to dancing.

The following morning, I was told that she seemed to be doing better. I have talked to her regularly over the past few weeks and she has claimed to be regaining strength and getting her life back on track again. Just the same, I knew I had to take this opportunity; this second...or even third chance, to come home and see her and spend time with her. Yesterday evening, she hurt her ankle, to the point that she was barely able to walk. She says she felt like the bones crunched, and my mother, who is a nurse, figures that is exactly what happened. I helped her hobble around, massaged her ankle and have been fetching her everything she will let me. This morning she woke up, dizzy, nauseous and vomiting, and still with a sore ankle. Thankfully, she’s still not bleeding, although she feels crummy and all she can really do is rest at this point. So here I am. Papa has gone to work, and I have the phone and the list of phone numbers beside me. I check in with her often, fetch what she needs, and just pray, for her sake, that she doesn’t fall over, throw up or start bleeding.

Needless to say, I’ve had a lot to think about lately, and my time here at home has given me ample opportunity. When faced with death, one can’t help but think about life; about both its duration and quality...past, present and future. That kind of stuff. My visits home are usually filled with opportunities to mull things over, and reassess my own life, and this visit has been especially like that. There have been a lot of things in my life that I’m not especially pleased with, whether it be on the account of others or myself. I’ve made bad choices, acted irrationally, and have done things that I am not proud of. But, on the other hand, I’ve demonstrated perseverance and strength that has surprised me. I’ve allowed myself to be imaginative, creative and silly. I have learned and loved and lossed in enormous capacities. All of these things have woven together to form...me. And I’m not always perfect, and I do make mistakes, but all in all...I think I have enormous potential, as I continue to drive myself forward and try to better myself.

Furthermore, I must remember, that much like myself, my family are complicated, sometimes irrational and yet, completely incredible people...each dealing with their own demons and personal struggles. THIS is life and we must work with what we are given...and what we have been given is incredible. Life is not about the good or the bad, black or white, optimism or pessimism...it is about accepting all of these things AND that area in between. It is SO much bigger than we have the capacity to understand and we should all be in awe of it [am I being sappy enough for you yet?!].

So, with all of this in mind, I can’t help but look to the future. It’s not the abyss it once was...but it still seems rather foggy. I have completed university and have decided to take a year off to work at the Wall, a place that is not only comfortable, but has the capacity to bridge the gap between my youth and my future, while paying the bills. As of present, my interest in future education has shifted from pursuing my masters in resource management to international development [two fields that are obviously closely related]. I’m not entirely sure where in the world I wish to do this, although I am very flexible. I don’t feel tied to ‘home’ and I certainly don’t feel tied to North Bay. I suppose at this point, I am very...free! It should be liberating, but I can’t help but feel a little unsettled at the same time.

The only thing that seems certain to me is that no matter where I go or what I do...I intend to do so with Nathan in my heart and hopefully by my side whenever possible. Candice asked me a few weeks ago what it was like to have pretty much found my soulmate...well, I assure you, it’s just as excellent as one might hope. He fills me with hope and passion and empowerment beyond my wildest dreams. The future is not an abyss! The future is full of potential! I’m not entirely sure what my calling is. I don’t quite know my place in the world. I’m not sure what I’m destined to achieve, although I feel confident that it’s going to be quite interesting. All I know...is that life is vast, and complicated, and overwhelming, and beautiful, and imperfect...and in the scheme of things, quite short. It will sort itself out. I will forge my own path. I will establish a purpose, and a home and a future that is all of the things that life is. And I hope with every fiber of my being, that my soulmate is by my side throughout the whole damn thing.

it was never a contest

2009-06-20T11:58:00.002-04:00

well, it's been a while.

the longer i go without posting, the harder it is for me to get back in the game.
the problem is really that i have too much to say! it's sort of like how kevin used to describe being on hallucinogenic drugs..."THIS much to say, this little space". i miss kevin. i may have completely neglected this altogether and abandoned blogger for tumblr if it weren't for some positive feedback i received yesterday. it reminded me that i still need this. at least for now anyway. tumblr is great, but with 'like' and 'reblog' features, it is easy to push aside original ideas and thoughts. there's little therapy in it.

so, rest assured dear readers, i'm still here. if you jumped on board because of that contest, you're invited and encouraged to keep reading and to offer feedback.

i feel compelled to offer you something now. but my head and my heart just aren't in it at the moment. i'm feeling compressed and stretched thin all at the same time. you might know the feeling...

anyway, when i've organized myself a little better, i'd like to tell you about some things. i think all in all, life continues to be quite interesting :).

grad weekend

2009-06-03T21:52:00.004-04:00

throughout most of university i've said that i didn't care much for the graduation ceremony. i was here for my ticket and the good times, and i've always said that the ceremony was too long, hot and boring...intended more for parents really. of course, i always planned on attending my own graduation...for my own family of course, but it was never something i really looked forward to. until now. today, i've decided that i'm quite looking forward to this day [which just so happens to be friday]. i mean, i still expect the ceremony to be long, hot and boring, but i don't hold the same contempt that i held for...say, my high school graduation.

i'm quite proud of my accomplishments this far and i'm excited to reward myself with a special day. i'm excited to spend a little time with my family on MY turf for once. i'm excited to watch my friends graduate and to rejoice in their accomplishments. i'm excited to smile lots and take lots of photos. i'm excited to receive lots of hugs and well wishes. i DESERVE this praise! i've worked hard for this. and of course, when it is all said and done, i'm excited to party! nathan and i are having guests over for pre-drinks and bbq, before hitting up the wall for cheap rye and bud light lime.

saturday is third fuck chicks, we just wanna dance porch party which is SURE to be a good, silly time filled with lots of dancing and hopefully some faces i haven't seen much of in the past while. sunday nathan and i are hoping to roadtrip-it to sudbury so that i can finally meet his dad, and get in touch with that part of his life.

all in all, i'm really looking forward to this weekend! :)

still stylish

2009-06-02T15:16:00.003-04:00

dear people of north bay,

if you're into vintage/second hand and ever find yourself stranded at the bus station downtown for an extended period of time, i encourage you to venture into still stylish across the street. it's a VERY small thrift store and is extremely hit or miss but the owner is cute and it is so, SO cheap that it is always worth checking out. especially if you're stuck waiting across the street anyway. i have been visiting this place pretty regularly for about six months now, and finally made my first purchases today. i got a cute top for 60 cents and an amazingly cute skirt for 80 cents. a top and a skirt for a $1.40...you just can't go wrong!

on a different note, i believe little amadeus has passed on :(. he just couldn't hack life without a shell it seems *sigh*. funeral arrangements are currently being made.

the naked crab

2009-06-01T14:46:00.003-04:00

amadeus is NAKED and gerald [the asshole] has stolen his shell! leave it to gerald to pick on his friend while he is MOLTING! i've put little amadeus into makeshift isolation, and while he's surprisingly still alive...he's definitely not looking too hot. i hope he will like one of the new shells i'm offering him and move in. i don't care how scary he looks when he's not wearing a shell...i don't want my little crab baby to die :(.

moltastic!

2009-05-31T13:46:00.004-04:00

i woke up this morning to find parts of crab limbs in my tank. it appears that i'm experiencing my first crab molt! poor little amadeus looks very...fragile at the moment. i was scared that he was dead [i'm still a little scared that he will die], but apparently that is common. the exoskeleton pieces that i found were hollow so i think everything is happening according to plan. it's going to be VERY hard not to disturb him for the next few weeks! a lot of crab owners isolate their crabs, but i don't have the resources for another tank, and i don't know if i use the plastic pop bottle technique that i will have enough room to offer him food and water. my other crabs aren't overly big or confrontational, so i think i will just try and let him be and let nature take his course. wish him luck!

live long and prosper

2009-05-30T17:40:00.003-04:00

i really wish that itunes would stop sending me error messages, refuse to update my ipod and then freeze up my computer. i downloaded the ani difranco discography today [i'm not really sure how i hadn't done this sooner because i do love her so, so much] and i want to be able to listen to ani on the go! thankfully i have a very large and diverse pile of music on my ipod right now, so i can surely get by without updating it...but i shouldn't have to. oh, the injustice.

i just finished e-mailing out a few resumes [garage, curbside fries and the sears portrait studio], and have a few places i'd like to go visit in person, including a florist shop downtown. HUGE props to this website. if anyone is looking for work, i recommend checking it out!

now i'm about to go to the movies and watch star trek again. i'm not usually a see-it-twice person, but sometimes exceptions just have to be made. on a similar note, if anyone would like to give me the money so that i can go to vegas for the star trek convention at the beginning of august, that would be sweet.

small sacrifices

2009-05-29T10:15:00.003-04:00

it's sort of depressing to think that my first job after earning an honours degree is likely to be fast food. even with my best efforts, my money is disappearing rapidly. if i want to have ANY fun this summer, i'm going to have to figure something out.

i found out yesterday that blink 182's reunion tour also features weezer and taking back sunday. they play on august 23rd at the molson amphitheater in toronto. naturally i would really love to go and it just so happens i was looking at taking a trip to TO this summer. what would be better than going at the end of the summer and hitting up this show?! of course, concert or no concert...this trip is going to cost money that i simply do not have.

i need to make some sacrifices for the greater good.

in defense of the genre

2009-05-21T21:13:00.007-04:00

after my most recent, somewhat whiny post i sort of got thinking...who cares? who cares about the day-to-day habits and musings of athena? if you're going to put energy into writing something, shouldn't it at least have a little depth? or perhaps a little focus? like those people that have blogs devoted strictly to vegan recipes or their appreciation for star wars or what have you...afterall, i have been blogging for nearly TEN YEARS [true story]. you would think that with my being a seasoned veteran there would be more to it than this. but no. i've always kept it simple. humble. honest.

for nearly ten years, i have shared my daily activities, thoughts, hopes, goals, and fears. i've confided in the written word when there was no person to turn to, or when i was simply too scared of a face-to-face confrontation. it's always been for ME first and foremost, although i've appreciated feedback from selected readers over the years. of course, i'm much less angsty now than i was when i was fifteen, scribbling erratic posts about chores, parents and my own personal purgatory. so, when the angst is gone...what is left? well, on a day-to-day basis...it might all be rather superficial, but as a whole...i feel like these blogs have been one of the best expressions of me possible. they share my interests, my frustrations and my personality quirks. they've grown as i have. it's been FUN, as much as it has been therapeutic. so, while it gets redundant at times...i think the following sort of expresses what this is all about...

curse you technology

2009-05-20T17:31:00.004-04:00

for the past little while, people have mentioned occasionally that they've had trouble phoning my number. it says that it has been disconnected, even though it isn't. most of my calls go through just fine, and i use my phone very little so i always just sort of shrugged it off. but then i got a thing in the mail today from rbc saying they tried to call me to talk to me about that job, but my phone wasn't working...and i got to thinking...that pretty much any person who has tried to call me outside of my my5 hasn't gotten through. nathan's work. my grandma's cell. a few others. so then i got to thinking...dropping off resumes has been virtually pointless up until now, because potential employers likely haven't been able to contact me even if they're interested. uggggh. so now [and by now, i mean tomorrow] i have to go back and call them and try and earn myself some interviews. i just hope it's not too late!!

the good news...i'm not resorting to wendy's quite yet, aHA!

and for even more good news...it is so, so excellent outside today! i didn't get up to the gym today like i had hoped, so i think i will go for a nice long bike ride while nathan is at work. i might even take some photos now that the world is looking a little greener :).

too busy living to work

2009-05-19T12:51:00.004-04:00

i don't have a job. i also don't have a lot of money. for this reason, i should be working a lot harder to find a job...but i've found much more interesting things to do.

i spent the long weekend out at denny's cottage in temiskaming. i was pretty excited to be invited and to have an adventure, although at first i was a little nervous to go. i was scared that i was going to get really bad anxiety, especially because i knew drinking would be involved and that that would lead to hangovers. and i'm FAR more likely to panic when i don't feel well. i didn't want to spaz out around that many people, while in the middle of nowhere. i overcame any nerves though [as i have been a lot lately] and had a super fun weekend! even though it was pretty cold, there was a wood stove, lots of booze, lots of people and lots of laughter, so i don't think anyone got down about the weather. i took lots of picture of landscapes and drunk people that can be found on facebook.

next weekend i'm heading home with nathan for my baby brother's birthday [hardly a baby anymore], and amy's...holy crap...WEDDING! she is my first 'close friend' who is getting married, and while i'm not at all surprised, it's still pretty incredible. i mean, getting married is a pretty grown up thing! but i guess that's what we are now. grown ups, i mean. i love weddings though, regardless of whose it is...but i'm especially happy that it's amy's. it'll also be lovely to see jessi, and to hopefully show nathan a little bit more of the place where i grew up. i'm also planning on spending a night at my grandparents, and i know my papa is excited to put on a fireworks show for us, so that should be fun :).

in a few weeks i graduate! and then at the end of june, i'm planning on going to nathan's cottage for like a week. i want to hit up toronto at some point soon. i'd like to volunteer for nso at the beginning of july. and then for the long weekend in august, i will go home for lughnasadh. mid-august there is sarah and kayli's birthday and then before i know it, it's the end of august and my birthday and staff training for the wall starts. so, i've got all of these little adventures planned that getting a job might interfere with! i would feel bad taking a job just for a few months, and then booking off so much time. still, i was thinking of just getting a crappy part-time job at wendy's or something so that i will have a little bit of spending money. gah, i just one of the places that i've already dropped off resumes would call me. that would be sweet.

it's raining a lot and i'm watching what not to wear [i totally want to be rich enough to have a super makeover- new hair, new clothes, new shoes, new jewelery, new make up...yes, yes, yes!!]. i was going to go to the gym today, but it's really crappy out, so i think i will just hide inside and relax. i'd like to go birthday shopping for my bro tonight. perhaps other people would be bored with so much free time...but i haven't been yet. not even a little bit.

resolutions never come too late

2009-05-13T15:39:00.004-04:00

after years of being scared, shy, and guilty...today i finally took advantage of my student card and went to the gym. i'm very proud of this accomplishment because the thing stopping me before has never been laziness, but rather...i didn't know how to work a gym and i was too shy to ask and too scared to learn. i felt like i would look like an idiot being 22 and not knowing how! i was even reluctant to go with other people because the idea of appearing so out of shape in front of others made me nervous. the idea of sweating, and getting red in the face, and wearing ugly clothes and sneakers in front of other people just...never suited me.

but, along with this always came guilt. i WANTED to make exercise an important part of my life, mostly for the sake of my health...but also because i know a lot of the things that are 'off' about me mentally and physically could benefit from exercise. and of course, my metabolism won't last forever. i want to get comfortable with the idea of regular exercise now while i have the time, rather than later when i'm even more overwhelmed with life and am even more out of shape. i've tried to be active independently with minimal success. now, i realize i've only gone once. i've hardly made the big change in my life...yet. but for me, i think the big thing was just taking that first step...overcoming my nervousness...now i'm not scared to go back. i know how to use some machines and i know that i can work out and not die, haha. i know it can be ENJOYABLE and rewarding.

sooo, hopefully this summer i can make attending the gym a more regular part of my life...get comfortable with the idea while things are quiet. i feel no need to go every day and i won't beat myself up if i miss a day...but i would be happy going a few times a week. plus, the walk there and back is a workout in itself. i really hope i stick with this. but even if i lose momentum...i now know that i don't have to be afraid anymore, so it won't be hard to get back on track :].

ps: huge props to kayli for being so encouraging, not making me feel like a tool and for teaching me how to 'use the gym'. this is a pretty huge thing for me. it's more than just adding fitness to my life...it's also the beginning of some psychological healing for me. i'm letting go of some baggage and it feels great!

damn, it feels good

2009-05-06T18:03:00.005-04:00

i love when i have an especially delicious meal where i can lean back, smile and think 'damn, it feels good to be a vegetarian'. lucky for me, i have these on a regular basis. i pride myself on not pushing my lifestyle choice on others, but it can be a little hard to show some restraint when ignorant meat-eaters [and i am NOT suggesting that all meat-eaters are ignorant], give me a hard time without stopping to consider how GOOD i eat.

tonight's treat was a portebello mushroom cap burger with feta cheese and roasted red peppers, bbq'd and served on a whole wheat pita bun. on the side i had a delicious baby spinach salad and homemade iced tea [significantly tastier than store bought iced tea]. SO tasty. perhaps a little weak in the protein department, but i've been eating a fair bit of tofu as of late, so i'm not too worried about it.

ahhh, i love summer && bbq's.

on a totally different note, i contacted the royal bank today to make an appointment to get my post-university finances sorted out, and the guy i talked to asked if i needed a summer job! i told him that i did [like everyone else it seems], and he said i can expect a call sometime over the next couple of days from the lady in charge of such things. bill had hooked me up with some jobs with TD a few summers ago, but i had turned them down when i started working...somewhere? i forget where. anyway, i hadn't since given much thought to looking into venturing down that road since i don't really consider myself properly qualified to work in a bank. it really would be excellent though. not only are banks air conditioned and have amazing hours, but the rbc is super close to home as well! it might not be a job i would LOVE, but it would definitely get me through the summer, and it would sure beat flipping burgers. i hope it pans out well as i have yet to receive a call back from any of the places i dropped off resumes...

works well independently and in a group, enthusiastic, quick learner, optimistic, punctual, accountable, hard working...i know these are cliche statements from any resume, but i seriously have these qualities! whether it be behind a bar, rockin' the drivethru or even at a bank...i can do it! i can learn! somewhere HIRE ME, please!!

retro

2009-05-06T12:35:00.001-04:00

fatboy slim, our lady peace, the spice girls...

...MUCH MORE RETRO?!

yikes. i feel old.

misc. nerdiness

2009-05-03T12:09:00.005-04:00

well, school's done. i'm all moved. and my first round of resumes have been distributed. now it's a waiting game...what have i been doing as of late? i'm not entirely sure, but the boredom surely hasn't set in yet!

- i've been reading a lot of books lately. i recently finished one called love is a mixed tape: life and loss one song at a time by rob sheffield (he writes for rolling stone and blender). as cheesy as the title is, i really, really enjoyed this read. sure, it definitely appealed to my emotional side (full of romance and tragedy), but it also reached out to the music lover in me. it's a pretty quick read, and i think it only cost me like $10 on amazon. i'm totally recommending people check it out...especially music lovers.

- i've also been reading the marvel civil war comics as of late. they include everyone's favourite marvel superheroes, torn between remaining anonymous, but potentially causing more problems than good and actually registering with the government so that superheroes can basically be well-respected civil servants with a pay check. the whole registration idea is tony stark's (ironman) and he gets spiderman on his side, although captain america totally isn't loving it. well, that's where i'm at right now anyway. nathan and i have bought a ton of these comics, and hope to pick up the rest of the series when we're feeling a little wealthier, haha.

- i've been going to the bar a lot lately, which is a little odd for me considering that i haven't gone much in the past year, am short on cash, and don't really drink a ton anymore. it's been fun though! i've been just having like 3 or 4 beers, and enjoying getting out. i try to keep my summer motto somewhere along the lines of: just say yes. wanna do this? yes. wanna go here? yes. even if i don't really want to. hell, ESPECIALLY when i don't really want to. kind of like the movie yes man, except i invented this summer theory a few summers ago. if i've got nothing to lose...i might as well just do it. excellent summer's don't create themselves!

- last night i went to mike p's birthday party, which was pretty fun. nathan and i drank some of our wine, and i learned a fun, silly new drinking game, which would probably still be pretty fun, even without the drinking. plus, there was delicious vegetarian sushi (i've added 'make home made sushi' to my list of things to accomplish this summer). i always enjoy going to his house and admiring his star wars toys and record collection. it always makes me want a HOUSE house. no more shitty student housing.

- yesterday was a day of random, yet very thoughtful gifts! sarah bought me some really adorable pineapple wine stoppers, and nathan got me some excellent sparkly fish earrings, and a 1500 piece puzzle of some horses. call me grandma, but i've been itching to do a puzzle for quite some time now. these gifts came out of nowhere, with no real reason, but i'm very, very appreciative :).

- it's a little chilly and overcast, so i think i will make today a productive one. i need to reorganize all of my boxes that i've moved over here to better conserve space. it's all still in a state of chaos, and knowing that there are piles of chaos lying around the house unsettles me (even if our new room is remaining comfortable and clean- love, love it!). i also need to finish putting the final touches on my directed study. i met with dan earlier in the week, and he was very impressed and gave me a very good mark. he told me if i made a few changes, he might even bump it up a little, which is nice because dan is the first one to admit, he is reluctant to give out high marks. i'm pretty sick of school, so i don't know if i will make enough changes to boost my mark, but i'd like to just clean it up a bit, mostly for my own benefit. these things are perhaps not FUN, but they keep me busy, and are good for offering some peace of mind as i move forwards.

- thursday is the premier of the new star trek movie. i'm insanely excited about this, as i've always been a trekkie; however, on the same night maude barlow is doing a presentation about bottled water at the elk's lodge. considering her interest in protecting water, naturally i'm a HUGE fan of maude barlow's work. i saw her speak at the school last year and she was so great! sooo...kirk and the gang might just have to wait until the weekend *sigh*.

fun fact: the mask worn by michael myers in the halloween movies is actually an altered captain kirk mask! [perhaps it's common knowledge, but i just learned this so it's exciting to me].

ah, enough with my rambles.
i'm going to go eat tofu and rummage through boxes.

yes, this is a fun summer.

movin' and shakin'

2009-04-28T09:15:00.003-04:00

i finished school a week ago and it has taken me almost this long to get my life moderately organized. i figure another week should do it. my first priorities have been [as they are for most students], 1) getting a job, and 2) moving. somehow neither of these tasks have been completed, although i am making progress!

i've applied for some jobs with the mnr and conservation authority. i also sent my resume to mike's mom who works for the mto. she has forwarded it to many important ministry-folks [this always makes me think of harry potter]. i've also written up a bunch of cover letters and resumes for serving/bar tender positions, although i have yet to distribute them. that might be the plan for today, since nathan is at work and it's rather gloomy out. as bad as it might seem, these are the jobs i'd actually LIKE to get. they're laid back, not on contract, easily accessible and guarantee me good money. while i definitely need experience, i also definitely need money. since dalhousie has extended my offer for another year, i'm feeling confident knowing that one way or another, i CAN go to grad school next year if i so choose.

as for moving...ugh, who likes moving? it's such a pain. i've been breaking it into shifts doing a few hours a day, and FINALLY all of my possessions are packed up and ready to go, so it's just a matter of doing it. hopefully this will happen this evening. i meant to do it yesterday, but in the process, nathan and i decided to switch from our basement bedroom to the upstairs one, so that took up most of our evening. i really love our new room though. not only is it close to the bathroom, but it has a big window that lets in lots of light, and has a huge closet with lots of storage space. plus, moving always reduces clutter which is nice :D. so, i'm sort of in between moving houses AND moving rooms at the same time, but over the course of the next week i should be all settled in.

i'm still waiting to hear from dan about my directed study. i handed it in to him a week ago to look over the rough draft, and i thought we were supposed to meet yesterday, but i haven't heard from him. mind you, my paper is rather lengthy and i know he has been very busy with marking and whatnot. still, i'm concerned that if i wait a really long time to get back to it, i'm going to have lost my focus. i'd really just like it completely out of my hands. besides, i'm really curious to see what sort of a mark i can pull off on it!

the only mark i've gotten back so far was environmental history, in which i did really well. i usually do decent in school, but i felt extra proud of this one because, as one of two geography students in class full of history die-hards, i felt really out of my element. i thought that might hold me back but instead my grade turned out to be well above my average. always good!

the past few days have really reinforced for me that...this is the end of something. but, it's also the beginning of something new...i'm keeping busy, and keeping my chin up. i'm hoping that when things slow down a little i don't get blindsided.

throwing out markers

2009-04-26T13:46:00.003-04:00

moving is SUCH a pain. i've been trying to do it in steps, spending a few hours each afternoon packing, moving and throwing things away. i HATE throwing things away, but at the same time, i can't stand accumulating clutter. i will hold on to things that i don't like, want or need just because it is a perfectly good thing still, and i can't stand the thought of it being in a landfill. i should have a yardsale or something, but i don't really have THAT many things to get rid of, and i really don't think anyone else wants this crap either.

for example, i'm notoriously bad for hanging on the school supplies, even though i haven't really used school supplies since early highschool. pens, pencils, markers, duotangs, SO MANY packages of paper, loose staples, paperclips, post-it notes, little notebooks, christmas erasers that i have never used...it just accumulates and accumulates. it accumulates because i never use it, and because i never use it, it never gets old. i've been carrying around some of the same markers for at least ten years now. moving them house to house...even though my colouring medium of choice is crayons and i rarely use markers in the first place.

BUT, they're still perfectly good markers. and pencils. and christmas erasers. and nobody wants to buy an old marker at a yard sale, and no one really even wants them for free. they would rather go out and spend the $2 or $3 and buy a fresh pack. and that's what kills me!! people go out and spend money on this stuff...I spent money on this stuff...and yet, i really just need to part with it and put it in the trash.

and i don't just horde school supplies. i'm bad for old, broken electronics, WIRES for everything, hair elastics, old, crappy, broken jewelery, extra buttons, mangy towels, worn out underwear...you get the idea. stuff that no one wants...not even me, but that i can't really feel okay about throwing it out because in the majority of the world, people would LOVE to have this problem of too many things, or i know that it is bad for the environment to throw it out.

so, moving is frustrating for me. there's a lot of heavy lifting. there's the issue of making everything fit. and there's the process of letting go. you have to decide what to keep, what to sell, what to give away, what to give to a second hand store and what to ultimately throw away. it's nostalgic, surely. and it forces you to move on, which is important sometimes. but it also raises a lot of questions for me about poverty, wealth, commercialization, garbage, waste, etc.

but, just the same, i am really, really happy to be free of the markers that have been weighing me down for a decade.

frosh week lunch!

2009-04-25T10:30:00.004-04:00

haha, nataliedee made me laugh today! this is totally what i eat almost daily throughout most of frosh week. mmm!!

keeping with traditions

2009-04-23T11:57:00.003-04:00

well, i feel like i should have a lot to say.
i mean, let's face it, i'm at a pretty intense point in my life. the end of an era! maybe even more than that...

so, maybe it isn't all that surprising that i am completely speechless.

i'm sure the feeling won't last.
in the meantime, i've been enjoying many social drinks while trying to get my life in order. i've sort of neglected it while being so focused on school.

over the next week, i need to...
- completely move out of my other house in the ghetto
- drop off some resumes
- have a meeting with dan to discuss my directed study [he's still looking over my rough copy, so i'm not TOTALLY done yet]

i'd also like to meet with the bank to get my finances in order, and hopefully make an appointment with live once to finish up my rib tattoo.

so, i'm done. but i'm keeping busy.
i'm feeling pretty optimistic about summer. about...life, i guess. after graduation, there really isn't 'summer' and 'school' anymore. it's just...life. but i'm pretty excited to embrace that. i feel like i've been continually coming into myself lately, and i've got my amazing boyfriend by my side. i can do anything.

ps: i want a what not to wear makeover. or rather, i want to have lots of money to spend on lovely new clothes. that would be great!

420

2009-04-20T12:41:00.002-04:00

i don't really care that it's 4/20. i don't smoke weed.
i also don't care that it's hitler's birthday. hitler was a bad person. why would i want to celebrate him?!
i certainly am not inclined to celebrate the columbine shootings.

since, everyone seems so inclined to make today a celebratory day...i figured i would look up some things actually worth celebrating...

- first night of ridván, the most holy bahá'í festival
- 1836: wisconsin was created!
- 1862: louis pasteur completes first test of pasteurization
- 1972 apollo 16 (5th successful manned lunar mission) lands on the moon
- 1976: my former heart throb, joey lawrence was born! "woah!"
- 1992: freddie mercury tribute concert took place at london's wembley stadium
- 2008: danica patrick became the first female driver in history to win an indy car race

and best of all...
- 2009: the day athena prints her directed study and the last day of studying for exams!!! now THAT is cause for celebration!

wish you were here!

2009-04-18T12:03:00.004-04:00

- i love thrift shopping. i've been finding some really great stuff lately, although it never fails that i overlook things when i'm there, and then spend days kicking myself for not spending the $2 and just buying it.
- i chopped off even more hair. i think i like it, although it is VERY short. it makes me feel...taller? if that makes sense?
- i finally did my taxes! meh.
- i've applied for some summer jobs with the mnr and the conservation authority, although i'm more interested in getting a good serving or bar tending job at this point. gotta drop off resumes next week!
- i also need to officially move out of the ghetto next week. moving is succcch a pain, although i am looking forward to organizing all of my possessions and finally having enough dresser's to store nathan and i's abundant clothing collection.
- i'm in the process of switching to soy milk. for those who have already made the switch, what are your favourite soy brands?!
- done on tuesday. like totally. pretty excited about that. of course, the last exam will be followed by the FIFTH ANNUAL LONG ISLAND ICED TEA PARTY! five years, and this will be the first time that I'M the one writing the final exam. my heart has high hopes.
- i need a vacation. badly.

ps: in case you haven't noticed, i've tossed up links (on the right) for my tumblr and livejournal. my tumblr is mostly photos, web comics, quotes and lyrics that i stumble across. i also try and put up a daily song for your listening pleasure. my livejournal is reserved mostly for lyrics, and for communicating with other livejournal users.

haaaave you met athena?!

2009-04-14T19:48:00.003-04:00

done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done! well, mostly. 37 pages and submitted for review. i still need to clean it up a bit, edit it and format it nicely, but the bulk of the work...is done. and i feel AMAZING!! it sounds cheesy, but i almost feel like i've been reborn! i might still have some work on it left to do and i might still have one more exam, but as far as i'm concerned, i'm more or less done. welcome to adulthood athena!

upon arriving home from the library, i decided that inside was the last place i wanted to be after all of my hard work, so i turned on my ipod and walked out in the sunshine and ran some errands. it was lovely, and gave me some time to let the feelings of accomplishment soak in, while arranging all of the other thoughts in my head.

i'm so reminded of why i love summer...i have time to think my own thoughts! lots of time to face the good, the bad, the difficult and the hilarious. everything that has happened to me and everything i want to do all gets re-examined up close. i get to know myself all over again.

i think i've begun that over the past couple of days, and especially today. i'm not 100% pleased with the person i am, but i'm pretty damn greatful for the life that i live. i love my boyfriend and i have loved sharing a home with him over the past couple of months. i've got some really great friends, regardless of whether i get to see them as often as i would like or not. i also have some really fun acquaintances! my family is more supportive than i have probably ever given them credit for. i eat good meals. i'm surrounded by beauty. i have opportunities most of the world probably can't even fathom! life is good!

i'm wrapping up my undergrad, and i'm taking the time to breathe. i have NO idea where life is going to take me or exactly what i plan on doing with the time i have been given...but i'm so excited.

now, if you'll excuse me, i hear the theme song for how i met your mother. that show is seriously as hilarious as all of the hype suggests it is.

ps: i love love love avocados! if you know any great vegetarian avocado recipes (other than guacamole), please feel free to share!

the value of eight days

2009-04-13T11:23:00.003-04:00

eight days left.
that's my directed study.
that's studying for my final exam.
that's writing my final exam.
that's when i'm done my undergrad.

it should be more stressful than this, but if you ask any upper year university student...they will probably tell you that this is all of the time in the world.

we're used to mere hours. sometimes even minutes. a day at best.
eight days is pretty generous, even for the most monumental tasks.

i wrote thirteen pages yesterday. i hope to write 15-17 today.
i won't be done. but i will be close. i will still have a week to spare.

and exams are a cake walk.

soon i will have time to blog about other things :].

dear nipissing

2009-04-10T14:24:00.005-04:00

i am a completely different person than i was when i arrived.
i think i'm probably a completely different person than i was when i was in the thick of it.
but at the same time, i have been the exact same person all along.
i'm looking back, while at the same time that i am looking forward, and overall...i feel great.
i'm finding my way, in more ways than one.
and i owe you more than i can ever repay.
thanks for everything :].

somebunny loves you

2009-04-09T14:04:00.003-04:00

i found out yesterday that i've been accepted to grad school. i had decided months ago that i was no longer interested in the mrem program, or going to grad school this year, but i was still very, very proud of myself when that letter arrived. i also realized, that i very rarely feel 'proud' of personal accomplishments. it's a pretty nice feeling! i've worked really hard throughout school, and i worked really hard on my application. i feel a lot better taking time off knowing that i COULD have gone to grad school in september if i wanted to. i will also feel a lot more confident next time i apply!

in addition to my acceptance letter, and almost as exciting...the marvel civil war comics i ordered earlier in the week also arrived! i love amazon :]. and i am so excited to actually have the time to read them!!

i just wrote my environmental history exam this morning. i wasn't feeling exceptionally confident going in, but i felt very relaxed writing it and pretty good leaving it. nowwww i have about a week and a half to do nothing other than writing (and FINISHING) my directed study, and preparing for my final exam on the 21st. it'll be nice sleeping in every day, and not having anywhere to be, and even though i have LOTS of work ahead of me...it shouldn't be that bad :].

right now, i'm enjoy an afternoon of crappy tv, video games, subway and beer. i think i will take a nap soon. pretty stellar afternoon if you ask me! i should probably be working, but after my recent accomplishments, i am not going to beat myself up too badly if i don't start writing until tomorrow...

things are winding down, the snow is melting (again), and as stressed as i still may be...i'm feeling pretty good right now.

happy easter boys and girls.
i hope the bunny treats you well!!

suing for laziness

2009-04-05T21:24:00.004-04:00

wow, i feel like the sedentary lifestyle associated with 'crunch time' is going to kill me. i realize that it would probably be more beneficial and productive to take an hour off, and go be active, but for some reason i beat myself up over the idea. i tell myself i'm making excuses, and i probably am. and i realize that if i have the time to blog...i have the time to go stretch or run or something. but any moment that i don't spend at least making an EFFORT to be productive, is a moment that i'm beating myself up and stressing out.

three more weeks until i'm done everything. i hope. as i sit here and sort through my directed study research, it really does seem like an impossibility that i can get this done in time. i tried to schedule my time this afternoon, and looking at the calender, i SHOULD be okay, as long as i put in legitimate hard work every day until this is done.

so, in the meantime, taking breaks to discover my inner athlete out of the question. although, i think i might try to squish in a few short yoga breaks. i feel like i've gained a million pounds, lost all flexibility and am on the brink of getting bed sores from sitting so much.

i'm actually happy that it snowed and has been so crappy out. it's a lot easier to lock myself up to read and write when the sun isn't shining.

i'm the first person to admit, i'm not the most active person. but i sure am looking forward to summer so that i can go biking, and swimming, and walk for hours, and yes...maybe even run.

ps: i'm sorry that most of my entries have been so focused on school lately. i realize they must be dreadfully boring. unfortunately, that's sort of where my head is at right now. rest assured, there are still all sorts of exciting thoughts running through my head. when i have more time i will share some of them with you.

i can almost hear the ocean

2009-03-31T16:25:00.004-04:00

once again, i am re-evaluating [almost] everything.

i don't really feel like getting into it until 1) i've had some more time to mull things over, and 2) i've gotten my directed study underway, and won't be racked with so much guilt for wasting precious time blogging.

i CAN say, that each day that i'm closer to the end of school and the start of summer freedom, more joy builds up in my heart. i think it's safe to say that i've barely even hit my crunch time yet, but i'm about ready to take it head on. it will be my last, afterall.

well, my last until grad school at least.
i'm thinking...international development?
i'm surprised it didn't come me sooner. this is one of those things that i need more time to dwell on though.

ahhh, post-undergrad. what a time!

[on a completely different note, my crabbies are the cutest ever! they're all marching around and being adorable, haha]

two days until the end

2009-03-30T18:30:00.003-04:00

two days of class left, and i'm having a hard time accepting that i'm on the brink of summer, much less...on the brink of the rest of my life. this is the end of my undergrad and i can barely get excited. i keep forgetting. not surprisingly, the feeling is bittersweet.

things i will miss:
- the social interaction of going to school
- the 'identity' of being a 'student', and the whole subculture that goes with it
- learning new things in a classroom setting
- being encouraged to research, study and read about things i probably would never take the initiative to on my own

things i'm excited about:
- making and saving money, instead of spending it
- free time is just that...not spent doing homework, or stressing about deadlines
- no more deadlines!
- more opportunity to pursue my own interests and hobbies
- that sense of accomplishment. 22 with an honours degree.

of course, this will all change when i go to grad school. i will be a student again. i will be in even more debt and be struggling to reach even more persistent deadlines. but it's different, i think. it's more mature. it's more..."this is real life". and i'm excited for that...when the time comes.

in the meantime, i have a lot of decisions to make, a lot of self-discovery to accomplish, and hell...a lot of RELAXING to do. i need peace of mind. my guts will tell me what to do, where i need to be and when i should do it.

business time

2009-03-27T21:30:00.006-04:00

team 12: frosh of the conchords for the winnnnn!!!

i'm so, SO pumped for the this! thank you, thank you, thank you for one last opportunity!!! i think tara and i are going to make quite the pair. we're pumping out so many sweet ideas and the week has far from begun! too bad i have to wait five whole months, haha.

in the meantime, frosh leader bash tomorrow, and if it's anything like the last one...it's going to be a sweaty good time.

as for tonight? resource management essay. sweet, sweet friday night.

calloused wrists

2009-03-25T12:28:00.002-04:00

pssst...a secret...i actually love spending days in the library, listening to music, drinking tea and writing essays.

this part of school...this part is excellent.

so you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover
with you i do confess i can't be one without the other
that was hard for me to say, i hope i said it right
which ever, come what may, you see i need to know tonight

do you want to be my one and only love?
do you want to be my one and only love?
- teitur [one and only]

some new things

2009-03-22T10:54:00.006-04:00

this weekend has been really nice, for a weekend with no partying.

friday i got the news that my run as a frosh leader is in fact NOT done yet! i've been invited to be a csrc frosh leader, and i feel so, so lucky to have been given the opportunity considering i won't be in school, and i have NEVER attended canadore. they were short experienced leaders though, so of course i am more than happy to help! this opportunity with canadore seems to have breathed new life into frosh week for me and i'm more excited than ever. to make things even better, nathan will be a team leader for canadore as well! it will be his first time and i'm really happy that he will get the experience. this officially makes me the person with the most runs as a leader...a fact that i'm pretty proud of :]. now i need to come up with a clever 'celebrity'-themed team name...

yesterday my mom, brother and ray came to visit me, and i really, really appreciated it! in the past five years, i think this is only the second time they have come for a visit, and it was very nice to see spend the afternoon with them. i took my brother to west 49, where he got himself a dc hoodie and pair of shoes. they are pretty much the first 'brand name' things he has ever owned, and i think the first things he had ever picked out for himself, so i was pretty happy to see him so excited about it. mom also bought me a cute pair of flip flops, so now i need the snow to go away!! we went to cecil's for dinner, and even though i didn't get what i actually ordered, i enjoyed myself. i really like the menu there. it's really diverse and has lots of vegetarian options...and it's reasonably priced!

i took advantage of the car to go out to keesha's den, where i picked up two new, VERY active crabs, some new substrate and a new bulb for my heatlamp. one of the crabs is much bigger than my others, and he is pretty entertaining. the downside is that it easier for him to pinch me, and he took advantage of that last night :(. it doesn't hurt too bad, but i get very offended.

i wanted to make an appointment with live once to finish my rib piece, but i forgot, so hopefully i can get there sometime this week. dave will be moving in the summer and i really want him to be the one to finish it up, so i need to get in before he goes!

last night i stayed in to work on my impact assessment essay. i just started it yesterday, but i'm already half done, so i'm hoping that i can get it more or less finished today. i was feeling kind of bad because i didn't really do any homework all week, so i feel like i made up for lost time. i'm hoping that by the end of next weekend i will have both the impact paper and my resource management paper done, and then all i will have left is my directed study!! VERY exciting. it's pretty hard to believe that there is only two weeks left of school! of course, there will still be exams, but mine are spread out enough that i'm not stressed out at all.

tonight i'm supposed to go to nathan's professor's house to play d&d. i've never played before, but i'm pretty excited to learn. i've played similar games before and i've always enjoyed them.

homework, new crabs and d&d. definitely a good weekend!

ps: if you have a tumblr, lemme know. i'd love to follow you, haha.

the warmth of spring

2009-03-21T11:27:00.005-04:00

the sun has been shining, the snow has been melting and everything is warming up and looking a little brighter. of course, with the arrival of spring comes my rapidly diminishing motivation and initiative. i'm down to two 12-page essays, finishing up the group portion of my impact assessment project and of course...my still, unstarted directed study. i suppose i've been foolish to put it off this long, but it is not like i haven't been committing hours and days and weeks and MONTHS to the library and hard work. there is just SO MUCH. but it WILL get done. it will ALL get done. hopefully, before the weather gets significantly nicer.

it feels like more than the weather has been sunny though. i'm just feeling a lot better about...everything. i think moving has helped. i think my decision to take a year off before grad school has also played a significant role in this. i just feel really, really GOOD in a time when i should be stressing out.

we'll see if i'm still feeling so optimistic three weeks from now...but hopefully!

now, back to the essayage. happy weekend boy and girls! it's crunch time, but i promise...we will all survive it!

aware

2009-03-14T09:36:00.006-04:00

throughout the years i have evolved from drinking because it was a destructive behaviour, to drinking because it was new and exciting and all of my friends were doing it, to drinking because it was the social thing to do. and i think that's maybe where so many of us in north bay get stuck. it's really easy for alcohol to start playing an overly active role in one's social life. the question 'what are you doing this weekend?' seems to actually mean, 'where are you drinking on friday?' and 'where are you drinking on saturday?', in an effort to find the bar and the party and the theme and the crowd that best suits one's personal desires. and there is nothing wrong with that! most of us (especially by fourth year) spend our week working our ass off. most of us have jobs. everyone needs time to unwind.

as for me? getting wasted just isn't the answer anymore. getting wasted evolved again from a 'social activity' to a problem. i wasn't having fun because i didn't know where i was or that i existed anymore. if i did, i certainly didn't remember come morning. the people i love to spend time with are forgotten, and the people who i LOVE were getting hurt and shamed. one night of drinking meant sacrificing a perfectly good day to spend lying in bed, brutally hungover. days are meant for LIVING, and weekends provide the outlet to do this especially abundantly. drinking in excess only hinders this.

so i told myself i would moderate myself. i would bring fewer drinks to the pre-party and i would bring less money to the bar, and i would pay attention and things would change. but they didn't. it's so easy to lose that self control! i needed a further revision. no more hard liquor [with the exception of perhaps a cocktail with dinner at a restaurant or something similar]. no shots. no drinking games, power drinking or playing 'catch up'. beer in moderation. perhaps some wine from time to time. drink water. take breaks. alcohol should be secondary to the good night one is having...it shouldn't be the driving force. i believe that the ability to live in moderation is very important, and if you ask most people caught up in the party lifestyle, moderation is probably more challenging than nothing at all. but this is important to me. i will feel better about myself knowing that i can go out, have a few drinks, not get wasted and still have a really great, memorable night.

and i did it last night :)
i remember every, little thing. i didn't lose or break anything. i didn't fall down. i wasn't sick. i didn't shame myself to the point of tears. and i don't feel terrible right now.

i don't want to get drunk anymore. i realize that there are far, FAR more important things on the line. i have spent the past ten years on an ongoing quest for self-improvement, and it's never been easy, but i think it has been fruitful. i am far from being the person i want to be. in fact, sometimes it feels like i am working in reverse...but i need to keep faith in myself. this will probably be a quest that i spend a lifetime trying to complete, but i think it is so, so important to be aware. you need to be able to look at yourself and say 'hey, that's just not cool. work on that'. likewise, you need to be able to look at yourself and say 'you deserve a pat on the back. congratulations on being a beautiful person'. no one is perfect, and everyone could use with some self-improvement.

this is just one step for me.
for all that i am, i know one thing...i am driven. i am determined. i REFUSE to settle for less. i know what i want...and i go for it. nothing is stopping me now.

the rewards of quiet time

2009-03-10T15:16:00.003-04:00

while it sucks to spend an entire day in the library studying for an exam (ESPECIALLY after a late night), it is always pleasant to spend a day with conor oberst, the bloc party, horse feathers and some of my other friends.

yes, i'm on the verge of my breaking point...i'm getting very, very sick of school and am losing motivation at an astonishing rate...but there are some days where i actually find hanging out at the library very pleasant. i love to learn and get inspired and be surrounded by glorious, glorious books! additionally, i feel very good about myself when i am productive and when i'm working under pressure like this, i have no choice.

on a similarly academic note, i have just found out that my grad school application has been approved by the resource and environmental management program, and has been submitted to the dean of graduate studies for approval. this news made my tummy feel very fluttery with excitement, even though i have pretty much made up my mind to put grad school on hold. just because i am not interested in going this year, does not mean that i am not interested in getting accepted! i would feel much, much better about choosing to take the time off knowing that i was accepted, but simply chose otherwise. the program is pretty competitive, so i am not celebrating yet, but it is still nice to know that i made it through phase one.

i'm actually leaning more and more towards finding some sort of food and water distribution type program, rather than a 'management' based program. i'm really not into 'frameworks' or policy-making or the like. all of the management classes i've been taking have been dreadfully boring and i find the whole thing really dry. so, i'm not entirely sure WHAT exactly i want to do. but i feel pretty good about giving myself some time to decide.

now, coincidentally enough, i should get back to studying for my resource management test. wish me luck....on everything!

morning antics

2009-03-08T14:13:00.003-04:00

i managed to smoke the side of my neck off a car door this morning and it still really, really hurts! how is that even possible?!

on another note...this morning i was introduced to the phenomenon that is...casey's brunch. i've heard it was awesome, but words really didn't do it justice. overpriced, certainly, but overwhelming with awesomeness!

i'm presently watching twilight to see what all of the hype has been about. it's okay, but i think the books would be much better. perhaps i will check them out when i finish reading the last harry potter book.

happy sunday!

i love it, i don't

2009-03-07T11:05:00.005-05:00

some things i'm really into lately:

- embracing my own eccentricities
- tumblr
- taking pictures
- harry potter
- tacky accessories
- 1950's fashion
- chooka boots
- ebay
- puppies
- lily allen
- singing in the shower
- art. all kinds of it!

things i'm not loving:

- burning the countertop
- deadlines
- my directed study
- time flying
- never seeing most of my friends
- paying for a house i don't live in
- puddles and ice

lost && found

2009-03-04T20:14:00.003-05:00

huge, HUGE thank you to the kind soul who found and returned my digital camera! i kept faith that someone would do the right thing, and do what they could to get it to me, and they totally went beyond what i could have ever asked!!

i was basically willing to give away the camera if it meant i could get my memory card. of course, pictures are worth more than material items...

...although it is VERY exciting that i get to keep both :).

i feel like karma is smiling on me, although considering the circumstances, i really couldn't imagine why!

regardless, i am very, very greatful.
thank you kind lady :)

farewell frosh week

2009-02-28T22:39:00.007-05:00

i'm really impressed with the frosh leader lineup for next year! i think the teams are matched up really well, and that the personalities will compliment each other phenomenally. my only complaint is...that i'm not on that list.

it's surreal to think that that era of my life is over. i loved having that opportunity to impact students, and i will miss so, so many things about the week. i almost feel as though i am grieving and have been tempted to turn to former frosh leaders who have moved on with their lives, but somehow i think that even some of the biggest presences might not quite relate to how i am feeling.

i feel like for all that frosh week gave me, perhaps i just didn't leave a big enough impact. which is ridiculous really. i've got at least a half dozen kids who proudly speak of the impact i had on their university experience. i mean, how amazing is that?! i had the opportunity to make an IMPACT and i did. THAT is what frosh week is all about. those relationships. and i should be more than satisfied with that. i suppose i guess i just wish that i could keep making that impact...and of course, having these amazing people continue to impact me.

of course i realize that my opportunity to leave a positive impression on people's lives does not end with frosh week, but i am disappointed that i will have to seek new ways in which to this. frosh week was a really unique opportunity to express parts of myself that often lie dormant, and to test myself and to learn and of course to have a truly stellar, fun time.

so frosh leaders, love every moment with the zest and enthusiasm you are known for. you're on top of the world! but don't forget...first and foremost, this is all about the frosh, and the more you put into giving to THEM, the more YOU will take out of frosh week.

it'll be over before you know it.

on being friendly

2009-02-26T15:01:00.002-05:00

for me, being friendly takes a fair bit of effort. typically simple gestures like smiling or saying 'hey' take conscious effort for me. perhaps this is strange because i LOVE to meet new people, enjoy good conversation and am totally brightened by friendliness in others...just the same, i struggle, and then beat myself up when i disappoint myself.

i was going for a stretch where i had gotten into the routine of being very friendly...where i was finally getting into my head that no one is offended or weirded out by a greeting or a smile...but i've been dropping the ball lately and slipping back into my former reclusive state.

i'd like to blame it on being very busy or tired, but true as they may be, neither of these are very good excuses. i'm going to work on this...again :).

ps: if anyone has pointers on how to do small talk, i'd love to hear them. i personally think small talk is bothersome and if you're going to bother talking to someone, you should be interested enough to have something worthwhile and meaningful to say. just the same, i think it's a pretty useful skill to have. right up there with being friendly and polite.

should've known it all along

2009-02-24T15:07:00.004-05:00

WHY are we so reluctant to listen to perfectly good, sensible advice?!

i feel like the little [and the significant!] things that i have arrogantly shoved aside throughout my youth are starting to kick me in the ass now.

i've always sort of prided myself as being a relatively sensible person. a good listener. intelligent and willing to do what it take to look out for the well being of myself and others. perfectly capable of accepting constructive criticism, and excited for personal growth.

perhaps i'm only just becoming that person.
perhaps i still have a long way to go.

it's funny how as you get older, those things that older people always said...kind of start to make a lot more sense. and maybe they weren't so ridiculous after all. maybe they were just always looking out for your personal well being.

and hopefully, hopefully...they love you enough to stand by while you learn the hard way.

on a completely different note, please feel free to follow me on my tumblr [my latest cyber-addiction]!

take it head on

2009-02-18T21:02:00.005-05:00

- VERY gradually in the process of moving myself into nathan's. piece by piece, i will get there. i feel like i should perhaps have nerves or something about it, but i don't. we've practically lived together for so long, that it'll just be such a convenience and a pleasure to make it official.

- i think i'm coming to terms with the idea that i DON'T want to grad school. well, not in september anyway. i do intend to go, but i've almost made up my mind that i would like to wait a year or so. i think i've known this in my heart for quite some time, and i've spent a lot of tears and energy trying to convince myself that it was okay. i've always pushed, pushed, pushed...and now i just need a moment to breathe. i need to get some clarity. some focus. i'm only 22 and have spent five years in university. i do not feel like i am losing anything by taking some time off. grad school is just too expensive to go if my heart is not 100% into it, and right now, it's not. my heart is in many places as of late, but it does not feel like being in school.

- i feel like i've become more...me lately. i can tell summer is coming. i'm feeling all introspective and motivated to set goals for myself. i'm feeling inspired. and passionate. and comfortable in my skin. and i want to EXPRESS these things in so many ways!

- i miss my friends. the way they were. the way WE were. but i realize you can't force that sort of thing. as much as you want to hold on to those moments and keep them in perfect little boxes, you just can't...and it makes my heart ache a little. but i blame myself less and less. in fact, there is less and less blame in general. i don't think anything bad has happened. i HOPE nothing bad has happened. it's just...life. and it hurts, but it's real and it serves as a reminder of how important it is to hang on to those special moments. to really soak them in and appreciate every second.

- my family is a beautiful mess. i love them each individually, and i love them as a whole. they confuse me. they intrigue me. they frustrate me. but...they're mine. and we need to learn to pull this off. family exist so we don't have to go at it alone. we all need to remember that, because- for the strangest reason- it seems easy to forget somehow.

this growing up thing...i feel like it's screeching in my face. there's no avoiding it. but it's not so terrible.

my spirit remains young, afterall.
:)

ps: reading week HAS included some reading. and some writing. and some researching. i am proud of myself!!

via:icanread

sneak in a weekend

2009-02-16T18:25:00.003-05:00

coming home just isn't going to be home when you are not here anymore.
and knowing each goodbye could very well be the last just breaks my heart.

but not nearly as much as not being able to help my papa.

i can not begin to prepare myself for this.
the whole idea makes me feel numb.

just twenty minutes

2009-02-11T12:32:00.004-05:00

last week beth commented on how 20 minutes of actual, focused reading can go a long way. her words have been resonating with me and as a result, this has been a pretty productive week! i think i'll add that to the list of wisdom and advice i share with first years.

i'm finally feeling caught up in my classes, although the mountain of essays and my still untouched directed study are still looming over me, and are getting more and more threatening each day. thank goodness next week is reading week. i really hope i can maximize my productivity over this time and get some of this stuff out of the way!!

my decision to make my visit home short, so i can return to the bay to do homework and work, has sparked some drama at home. hopefully, i can make it a pleasant visit nonetheless.

happy reading week everyone! stay safe!

how to survive the morning

2009-02-09T09:36:00.004-05:00

i've never been the sort of person to sleep all day, but i loathe the sound of an alarm in the morning. i like to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and i like to wake up at a reasonable hour. i do not believe that anything before 9am is 'reasonable'. if i could wake up really early at my own free will every day that would be a totally different story, but i really, really can't stand when the alarm insists on so rudely intruding in my personal time. morning air is cold and making myself look presentable is a chore. having to rush makes the whole process exponentially worse. BUT, after 18 years of school [good god], i've come to really appreciate the things that ease the discomfort of getting out bed in the morning, and this post is a praise to them.

- tea. i've been making my own and bringing it up to school and it is a lifesaver. not only is it happy, warm and delicious but it saves me the pocket change of buying one at the school. this also limits the need for human interaction first thing in the morning.

- breakfast. i rarely make the time for it, but when i do, i can totally see why it is the most important meal of the day. it really does make the crappiest of mornings a little brighter. i love, love breakfast sammiches with egg, cheese, spinach and tomato. hash browns also go a long way in winning over my heart. on days i work, i can get breakfast for $1.70 and it is awesome.

- picking out clothes the night before! this sounds juvenile, but if it lets me get an extra 15 minutes of sleep...bring it on! i mostly do this on really early mornings [anything before 7:30]. i take out everything, including socks and underwear, so i just have to throw it on in the morning. i usually don't take that long to get ready, but it's always on an early morning where i find myself feeling the most indecisive.

- fluffy socks, sweatpants, sweaters and scarves. one of my biggest beefs with an early wake up is how effing cold it is! if i feel warm and fuzzy, it is MUCH easier to make the bed to life transition. on a similar note, i like to crank the heat in the morning, and then just turn it down again before leaving the house.

- music. plug in, tune out. probably the biggest lifesaver of them all. while i usually prefer pretty, acoustic-y type stuff, first thing in the morning i tend to like obnoxious, loud music [the blood brothers and protest the hero are morning favourites].

ahhh yes, so there it is. rise and shine beautifuls.
you're alive! so that's a good start. plus, the eddies are on placement!

NUSU elections

2009-02-04T14:19:00.008-05:00

in case you haven't noticed the bajillions of signs, or the flashy t-shirts, or the free candy, or the guitar playing, or the treadmill running, or the class speeches...NUSU elections are upon us! and in five years, i don't think i have ever seen such flashy, creative campaigns! ladies and gentlemen, they want it bad this year.

so, i hope you don't need the reminder to get out and VOTE! read the platforms, talk to the candidates and get out and do your part to make sure YOUR MONEY is getting spent in a way that represents you the best.

each year, such a small percentage of students actually takes the 2 minutes it takes to cast their vote and get involved in student politics. let's change that. NUSU needs YOUR VOICE!

and please remember that this isn't a popularity contest. this isn't your highschool SAC. there's a lot of money on the line here. a lot of responsibility. and the outcome can play a pretty significant role in your university experience.

so get informed, grab your student card, and hit the polls today and tomorrow between 10 and 6:30!

i sure did. and i surprised myself a little.

let's just begin

2009-01-27T08:52:00.005-05:00

"if we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin."- ivan turgenev

LOTS has been going on. lots of school. lots of work. and of course plenty of time for partying.

i've chopped off most of my hair, gotten some great pink shoes and started to second guess almost everything [except for one very important thing].

i want to tell you all about it.
and i will. when i have time :)

in the meantime, i encourage you to make a perogie casserole. i swear, it's the most delicious thing.

you're not mine anymore

2009-01-19T17:15:00.003-05:00

it's done. it's gone. it's in the mail.

it is out of my hands now.
and i am sooo relieved.

my week at a glance

2009-01-18T15:53:00.004-05:00

- i had the privilege of seeing youtube's jon lajoie (of 'everyday normal guy' fame) at the wall. i worked during the show, and it was INSANELY busy, but that didn't stop me from laughing SO hard at his songs and stand up. plus, i got PAID to be there. sweet, right?

- after replacing many hours of sleep with physical labour, i got to enjoy uss & illscarlett. both put on a stellar, high-energy show, and had i been slightly less tired, i think i would've greatly enjoyed thrashing around in the mini-mosh pit. again, i enjoyed this for free with the additional perks of free food. prop's to steve and his always-amazing minestrone band soup.

- osap came in AND i got paid from work. i am still seriously, seriously considering buying a macbook. i probably don't need one, but i'm thinking it might be a worthwhile investment just the same. if anyone has a mac and wants to give me some feedback, i'd love to hear it!

- i got my reference letter from dan walters, more or less finished up my personal statement and cv for grad school, and will be picking up my other reference from dr. abbott tomorrow. this thing will FINALLY be sent out tomorrow, and couldn't be more excited to be rid of it, so i can get back to stressing over my current classes.

- had an AMAZING time repping it as a 'flaming meatball' for winter classics '09. in my opinion, winter classics is one of the best social events put on my nipissing, and everyone should try to get involved in it. we made it to the semi-finals for most-spirited team, and while we didn't win it, i think i can safely say that everyone on the team had a total blast drinking drinks and playing in the snow. i definitely missed the 'justice league', and at times felt somewhat traitorous to have disbanded the team, but it was a pleasure to not have to deal with the responsibilities of putting together a team.

- veggie patty subs from subway are the BEST thing ever, and i could probably eat one every single day and never get sick of them. it always baffles me how other sub places (*ahem* mr.sub) can't even begin to compare to subway's awesomeness!

- watched the movie 'teeth'. despite the positive review's i had read, this is one seriously EFFED UP movie, that left nathan and i both rather unsettled. in short, it's about a girl who has evolved to have teeth in her vagina (similar to a sea lamprey), as a defense mechanism against the assholes who want to rape her, and her creepy, perv of a step-brother, who also wants to nail her. while this might sound messed up, it doesn't even begin to give this movie justice. weird, weird sundance flicks...

anyway, i go to this tiny, little school on top of a mountain in northern ontario, and in one week i got too see a hilarious comedian (for free), rock out at a sweet concert (for free) and play in the snow with friends, while getting completely shittered. at the same time, i feel confident in the education i've gained while applying to grad school and have received a ton of help and advice from amazing professors. why wouldn't anyone come here?!

decisions, decisions and managing time

2009-01-11T11:19:00.006-05:00

...i went to pay my tuition last week, only to find that my scholarships had covered it, and i had a much greater surplus of cash coming to than i was expecting. osap hasn't arrived yet, but even with the leftover scholarship money, i was able to pay off the rest of my line of credit, and still have some savings left over! once osap arrives, i should actually be somewhat financially secure. of course, none of this is MY money. it all just contributes to my ever deepening pool of debt. just the same...i'm tempted to buy myself a somewhat extravagant present. a macbook perhaps?!

...one week into classes and i'm already feeling like i'm so far behind. i'm SO glad that i don't have a full course load. even with just the three classes and my directed study, i've got a LOT of researching, writing and time management ahead of me.

...being back to school has also served as a reminder of how much i appreciate weekends. no work. no class. sleeping in. good meals. partying, if i'm so inclined. a chance to try and gain some headway on the mountain of things that needs to be done. i feel as though this weekend i've slackd a bit, but sunday isn't over yet...i can still redeem myself.

...my grad application is really adding to the stress of things and i can't wait until it is done and in the mail. dr. abbott agreed to write me a reference letter, but he insists that my grad application is top notch first. he's been SO helpful, but my meeting with him last week proved that i had forgotten some things, and i basically need to redo it all. i also need to call dal and talk to the lady in charge of the internship placements to see what sort of potential there is for me. additionally, i've made another appointment with matt campbell to see if my cv is important. this is all due on feb 1st, and so it NEEDS to get finished and sent out next week. i just feel like putting all of this focus on my grad app is taking me away from focusing on school, and i don't want to fall behind before the semester even gets started!!! ...and i still don't even know if i want to GO to grad school.

...i had the realization last week that...i can go anywhere. i think for most of first semester, i had it in my head that i either had to stay here in north bay or go to halifax, and that these were my only real options. this is SO untrue, and i feel a great relief in opening my mind to more possibilities. of course, i'd LOVE to move to the east coast at some point, but if i decide against grad school (for now anyway), i'm not sure that there will be many job opportunities for me straight out of school.

...as if the stress from school and deciding what i want to do for the rest of my life isn't enough, i feel like every relationship in my life is going through somewhat of an overhaul, and it weighs heavy on my heart.

i have no idea what i want to do with myself, i have no time to figure it out and debt is sure to consume me. i'm stressed to the max. and the semester has JUST started.

just push through i guess. persevere. i don't really have any other options.

cold nights, warm hearts

2009-01-06T16:02:00.004-05:00

[props to rachel white for the lovely poster]

on january 24th [that's a saturday], everyone should head down to veritasse coffee shop downtown [on the corner of fraser and main], where my boyfriend is hosting a super sweet benefit show to raise money for the heart and stroke foundation. i talked about veritasse a little while back after checking it out for the nourish north bay fundraiser...if you still haven't taken my advice and gone to check it out, here's your opportunity!! there's a sweet acoustic lineup featuring all local talents, so for $3 you really can't go wrong. plus, it's right in the afternoon, at 3:00 so you don't even have to worry about it cutting in on your drinking time!! while you're there pick up a delicious hot beverage [i recommend the white hot chocolate]!!

support the heart & stroke foundation. support local music. support an awesome not-for-profit local business. support my boyfriend and his amazing ambition to do something positive just because. he call's it living cool. this is what kindness is all about kids.

i've got crabs

2009-01-02T20:49:00.005-05:00

those who know me well, know that since the 11th grade i have had this odd fixation with crustaceans. it started with a my trademark cartoon, a few lame 'crabby' puns, and naturally evolved into endless 'crabs' jokes. but all joking aside, i really do love them! i think crabs, lobsters and the like are adorable [hence my themed bathroom]!! they look like little aliens and it's wonderful!

anyway, this year, my friends and i did a secret santa gift exchange, and my room mates got together and got me two hermit crabs [i've named them johann and sebastian], a tank and my basic supplies!! i realize how much this cost [especially after making a trip today to pick up more supplies] and their generosity astounds me, and i am so, SO thankful! i am LOVING having the joy of crabs right in my bedroom! they're pretty fun little pets, and basically turn me into a little kid with an obsession. i'm going to pick up a couple more crabs on the weekend, hopefully :].

i've been doing a lot of reading up on-line because i don't really know the first thing about caring for crabs. it's actually quite the task, but i am so up for it! i'm all paranoid at this point, because i don't really know their personalities yet and i just want us all to get along so badly. i realize it will certainly be trial and error for a little while for the crabs and i, but i'm confident that i can really get into this, haha.

anyway, while i always imagined myself growing old and becoming a crazy cat lady, i figure, i was a little off the mark. granted, i DO love cats, but their pee smells and i don't want to live alone. i am definitely more of a crazy crab lady!

crazy crab lady's can have family and friends...right?!

[this is my very own little crabitat!! (you can actually see little sebastian to the left!)]

make it stop!

2008-12-29T19:32:00.002-05:00

shitty music is my nemesis.

wrapping up the holidays

2008-12-27T13:21:00.005-05:00

it's back to the bay tomorrow and i am so, so excited!!

i can't stand living out of a suitcase, and being torn from some of the most important people in my life during a time when quality time with them matters most. of course, i understand and appreciate the importance of family over the holidays [especially this year with my grandmother's failing health]. i just wish i could get the best of both worlds.

i'm currently planning a special dinner for nathan and i to celebrate. i've decided on what i hope will be a delicious spinach salad with eggplant parmesan and garlic bread. with both of us being vegetarians from non-veggie families, the holidays haven't really been the feasting opportunity for us that they are for most people. i'm very okay with this because i would never expect to have other people cater to my lifestyle choice, but it will be nice to enjoy some great vegetarian food together!!

i was really hoping that we'd be able to do our gift exchange tomorrow as well, but as i did pretty much all of my shopping for him on-line this year...the presents might have to wait. i thought i had ordered early enough, but i guess this is a pretty hectic time of the year for the post office, and they still haven't arrived. they certainly won't arrive tomorrow on a sunday. i'm really disappointed about this, because i feel like it makes me seem sort of thoughtless somehow. i wanted to do it while there is still a glimmer of holiday spirit left. worst of all, i know nathan is really disappointed, which is the last thing i want when presents are concerned!! but i DID order them, and they ARE coming and they WILL be excellent, so i guess i just need to be patient.

i'm a wee bit hungover after ray's family ho down last night, so i think i will spend the rest of today lying in bed, watching movies and perhaps eating asparagus melts. hangouts with michelle later this evening which i am very, very excited about! not sure what we're getting up to yet, but i hope that i'm feeling a little better than i am now :S.

my kind of holiday

2008-12-25T13:23:00.004-05:00

i always find the holidays a magical, euphoric, trying, emotional and revealing time of the year. how is it possible to feel so much at once?! trust me, i'm female. excuse the stereotype but i pull all of this off and more, haha.

traditional christmas cheer has had little impact on me over the past decade or so...especially since coming to university. it's hard to get into the spirit amidst exams, frantic shopping and being more broke then ever. as a poor student, i, like most, don't really have a tree or decorations or holiday baking that never fail to warm the home during the holidays. i'm not really into commercialism to get into presents the way so many people do [although i do love to give them]. for me, the idea of 'christmas' has been something i preserve mainly for my baby brother [who, at 9, is no longer a baby i suppose].

don't think i'm going all ebenezer on you. i LOVE the holidays. i love the idea of getting together with family to share traditions and spend quality time together. i embrace the generosity and goodness around me and try to reciprocate. i believe in joy to the world and peace on earth and all of those beautiful things. but i think, 'christmas' in many ways, for many people, doesn't really hold anything. it has certainly been over-commercialized, and for many families and children, it seems more about how much money is spent and how many gifts there are under the tree than anything else. i don't believe that the vast majority of people that get themselves caught up in the christmas riot are actually christian...so, like...why? it is not mass tradition to celebrate kwanzaa or yom kippur.

anyway, i'm certainly not criticizing anyone for celebrating christmas. i just think it is important to consider why and what you are celebrating, especially if you are not a christian. if quality time and old traditions are shared in the name of christmas, then bring it on! but it should never be an obligation. an inconvenience. i guess my concern really stems from how MUCH i appreciate the holidays, and i'm sad for those whom it doesn't really hold any meaning or magic.

these were things that i got considering at a pretty young age, and so in my early teens, it started to become tradition that i would celebrate the winter solstice on the 21st. i'd get together with my grandparents, my mom, my brother, my best friend and whichever guests were interested in seeing what this 'solstice thing' was all about [past guests have included a very pleasant jewish woman and a fanatical born-again christian, clutching her bible] and we would have a different celebration. solstice is a celebration of the shortest day of the year, embracing the return of the light, as the days begin to get longer again. it's a chance to reflect on the year gone by and to put positive energy into establishing goals and dreams for the new year. there's lots of feasting, music and family heart-to-hearts...and i love it.

every year, i find it breathtaking. solstice has become this wonderful, personal mix of traditional pagan ceremony, our old christmas rituals and even some native traditions. i write a formal ceremony every year, and try to make each a little different from the last. i like to start by describing what solstice is, so that everyone in attendance knows WHY they are there. we then purify ourselves and cleanse the space that we are holding our ceremony in [i prefer to do it outside, weather permitting]. next, we call upon the forces of nature and our ancestors to protect us and comfort us while we describe lesson's learned and hopes for the future. we wrap things up with cheering and throwing of confetti and then proceed to perform a ceremony for the apple trees to encourage growth in the spring. the rest of the night is spent reading our favourite poetry and short stories. those who are musically inclined might play us some music. new-age, hippy, bullcrap? maybe, to some. to me, THIS is what the holiday is all about and it always reminds me of how much i appreciate my non-conventional upbringing.

the following morning, we open up our presents and have a wonderful brunch. by this point, 'christmas' is more or less finished in my heart. i mean, the good feelings carry on throughout the season, but i always find it really hard after this to get excited about 'christmas', which i celebrate a few days later with my mom and brother. it's still nice, but it's just not as meaningful. for me. we don't really have any traditions that can even compare with the magic of solstice.

i AM excited for all of you however! i hope that you are having a christmas that means as much to you as solstice means to me! i hope that wonderful, thoughtful gifts were exchanged, lots of laughs had, and lots of tasty food eaten. and relax! it's the holidays. this is supposed to be pleasant :).

i'm hanging out in pembroke until sunday, and i am so, SO excited to get back to the bay to wrap up the holidays with my friends and with nathan. it's always bittersweet to get to come home and have a lovely time with my family, because at the same time my heart is usually yearning for the university-family i have left behind. these people are also my family and i miss them terribly over the holidays. so far, there are no plans for new years, but i do intend to pop champagne and try and watch the sun rise. wish me luck!

peace, love && laughter!!

more nights like these please

2008-12-14T16:56:00.008-05:00

i arrive in the trunk squished between my room mate and many bottles of alcohol. we quickly reach our destination and i fall out of the back of the vehicle. i'm not entirely sure where i am, although i'm happy to see the faces of old friends and excited to meet some new people. best of all, i'm excited to be spending time with her. i can already tell that we were getting ourselves into an adventure, like the good old days.

we go in through the back door with a big green 'X' on it. the door won't shut behind us. we walk past some laundry facilities that i don't think i could trust to clean my clothes, and entire a warehouse-like room. sarah comments that if there was ever a place where you could picture a zombie outbreak occurring, it was definitely right here. i agreed. we walk up a dark flight of stairs and enter the upstairs loft, where the show is being held. i don't really know anyone, so i'm a little anxious.

i was surprised how quickly i relaxed, as i grabbed a 'table' and popped my champagne. i didn't really know where i was, or WHAT it was and i didn't really know any of the people there, although i suppose they might be 'intimidating' sorts, if you get easily intimidated. there are maybe two dozen people scattered about the loft, drinking and smoking. most of them appear to know each other.

i sat back and tried to take in my surroundings. i'm a pretty laid back, open minded person, but i couldn't help but be in somewhat of a state of awe. i saw the couch, with the significantly older couple making out, and the fridge and the small bedroom, and quickly realized that someone actually lived here. the walls were lined with giant speakers, except for the corner by the bedroom where there is some shelving, inhabited by many mangy teddy bears. there is a fairly large stage in the 'kitchen', littered with instruments and lights. i'm told that if i need to use the washroom, i should bring a friend because the door locks from the outside. i decide to hold it.

sarah had arranged for a ride after about an hour, so we did not stay as long as i would have liked, but it was nice to have the insurance of a drive on such a wintery night. we headed to steph's, where she fed us some french fries and veggies and i marveled over her patrick stewart paraphernalia and drank. when everyone is feeling festive we go to another xmas sweater party nearby, but i have drank all of my alcohol, so i am not really interested in staying.

i parted ways with sarah and steph, and headed to nathan's, where i cracked another bottle of wine and got involved in some pretty intense singing, drinking game and RDP action. the rest is a blur, but i know that there was a lot of laughing and even more spilled drinks. we fell into bed about 4:30 am, and for once, i wasn't cold.

we woke up around noon to tyler knocking on the door with breakfast: a plate of flatbread and tzaziki, a plate of grilled veggies and 2L of chocolate milk.

the hangover was and still is unpleasant. but the night was worth it.

after three nights of drinking, i've decided that tonight i will rest my liver, so that i can be in fine form for christian's 19th birthday tomorrow (finally!), and whatever escapades i will get up to with donny over the next week.

i love the holidays :)

i saw a man pursuing the horizon

2008-12-07T11:31:00.006-05:00

i saw a man pursuing the horizon;
round and round they sped.
i was disturbed at this;
i accosted the man.
"it is futile," i said,
"you can never — "

"you lie," he cried,
and ran on.

by stephen maria crane
1871-1900, written in 1895

i stumbled across this today will procrastinating and i'm totally in love with it. i can't imagine how amazing it would be to write something so great that over a hundred years later people are reading it and being blindsided by how much they can relate to it, or how much they understand it. and something so SIMPLE no less.

serious props to stephen maria crane. and his sweet mustache.
now i want to go read all of the rest of his poetry *sigh*.

living cool

2008-12-05T16:38:00.008-05:00

last night was my always much talked about christmas staff party. for wall staff, all of the drinking that goes on throughout the year is pretty much just training for this event. it starts with an open bar [beer, shots, and cocktails] and a buffet until 10:00 when a school bus takes our very inebriated asses to leo's to finish the party. it's always epic and the stories that come out of it are talked about for years to come. i'm pleased to announce that i actually remember it this year!!

anyway, the party itself and the drinking is really just a side note. i got talking to two new staff members last night, and like...i'm just SO EXCITED for them. not only are they now a part of the fucked up wall family, but they're jumping on the roadcrew bandwagon as well. they're making choices that will help shape their university experience. so, i think what really stood out to me at the party this year is how important it is for me to encourage first year students to GET INVOLVED. and i don't mean getting drunk. i mean, joining clubs, talking to people, taking an interest in student politics, volunteering...that sort of stuff. university is an ideal time to find it within yourself to TAKE CHANCES, and in doing so, i think it can be really surprising in how much you learn about yourself and how much you define yourself. the most important things i've learned at nipissing i've learned outside of the classroom.

and that's just the beginning. i mean, these types of things go beyond getting involved at school. it's right up there with being spontaneous, taking risks and just straight up LIVING LIFE. "living cool" as my boyfriend calls it. you want something? go for it! life's just too short not to. of course your shy or nervous or scared...but those are perfectly healthy emotions, and the cost of feeling these things is virtually nothing compared to the cost of regret.

i've learned a lot at nipissing, and my enthusiasm for this school might come off as a little too much sometimes, but you know what? i don't care. this place has changed my life and i feel i have a responsibility to encourage others to make the most out of their experiences as well. and it can't start tomorrow. it has to start RIGHT NOW.

for lots of sweet life lessons, check out this blog: 1000 life lessons. i stumbled across it the other day, and i found it inspiring, heart warming and amusing.

ps: on an entirely different note...i have SO MUCH homework to do before tuesday, and i spent today running errands, painting my toe nails, taking a hot shower, eating vegetable soup, napping, browsing the net, marvelling over how pretty winter is and just generally feeling really rad about life. so i'm not going to feel guilty. from here on out until it is done, i will work my ass off. but the greater part of the day was all about taking some time out for me and it was excellent.

bring on the holiday!!

2008-12-02T15:37:00.005-05:00

things i'm looking forward to over the break...

- buying presents for everyone!
- going sliding / playing in the snow
- going for walks at night
- sleeping in and staying in bed all day
- having a harry potter marathon
- playing lots of pokemon
- finishing up the half-blood prince (and hopefully starting the deathly hallows!)
- seeing don!
- having a boston night
- zombies!!! the board game (and beer. and PIZZA!)
- spending time with the fam and friends back home
- finally scrapbooking the halifax pictures
- taking up knitting again
- ringing in the new year (maybe actually watching the sun rise this year!)
- making a delicious stir fry
- secret santa gift exchange
- painting some more [i sort of got into it in the summer]
- finishing my rib tattoo

ohhh, the list is endless. it's going to be good.
one more week!!

the crunch

2008-11-30T19:55:00.004-05:00

crunch time.
gah, i hate it.

i've got a final on tuesday and then a midterm and a final on wednesday.

i feel like i have no time to study, so basically, every waking minute between now and when i write must be spent studying.

i started this morning at 9am, and after 11 hours i feel like i haven't made any real progress. i'm sure i have...but i don't feel like i have. mostly i just feel somewhat stir crazy and like my head will explode. but if i take a break, i feel guilty and like i'm inevitably letting myself down.

i'll get up tomorrow and tuesday and wednesday and go through more or less the same thing.

i wish i could say i was free after that, but unfortunately i also have a 10 page essay due next tuesday and a 10 page take home exam due next wednesday. i don't find writing as stressful or as mindnumbing as studying, so it'll actually come as a relief compared to this...but i'm still not looking forward to it. i AM, however, looking forward to knowing that in less than two weeks i'm free, free, FREE!!

well, for a month anyway.

anyway, i'm procrastinating. back to the books.
oh, and good luck with your own exams!!

novelty underwear

2008-11-25T20:46:00.001-05:00

find your inner clothing style @ quizmeme.com

stumbling in class. oh no.

masquerade ball

2008-11-23T09:40:00.005-05:00

formal ticket: $25
dress: $65 + $20ish shipping
undergarments: $46
purse: $13
shoes: $25
accessories: $21
new makeup: $13
updo: $60
booze: $35

feeling like a princess for the evening: priceless

every year, i LOVE formal. i booked this off back in the beginning of september and since this year we're having a spring formal as well in march, i've already booked that off too. i don't go out as much as i used to, but formal is still just too good to pass up. sure, it's at the wall, but that place cleans up pretty nice for formal affairs (and the food is delicious!). the best part though is getting all dressed up and then seeing everyone else all dressed up. i don't know why it's always so surprising that damn near everyone has it in them to clean up so nice.

my ONLY criticism this year is that by the time midnight had rolled around, i was pretty full and tired and they STILL had not played your body is a wonderland by john mayer. yeah, that hedley song is newer and still cute and whatever...but sarah and i have shared a slow dance to your body is a wonderland for the past four years. it's just been a lovely university tradition, that we didn't get to do last night because i just wanted to go home and sleep. so, HOPEFULLY they'll play it at the spring formal. i'd hate for a tradition like that to die in our final year *sigh*.

so, the moral of the story is, formal is and was amazing. thanks to everyone who helped make my night special [especially nathan, the classiest gentleman i know]. if you've never gone, make it a part of your university experience and do it up!! if you went last night, i hope you had a beautiful night. annnnd, i should have photos up on facebook later today if you wanna check those out.

ps: i'm 2 essays, 1 presentation, 1 set of readings, 1 assignment, 3 exams and 1 take home final away from christmas holidays, and i am SO stoked about that. in the meantime, if i've appeared to have fallen off the planet, don't panic...i'm probably just living in the library.

college parties

2008-11-17T16:20:00.006-05:00

when you pack your life into the back of a truck, move away from home and come to college or university, i don't imagine that one doesn't at least wonder about the parties. even if you're not a partier, i'm sure you consider becoming one, what it might take for you to party now and then, or at the very least how those who DO party will impact on your post-secondary experience. those who ARE interested in partying, anxiously waving goodbye to mom and dad so they can just whip out their two-four, or case of mike's hard lemonade or cheap vodka or whatever it might be, likely have pretty expectations. i mean, high school parties were great, but this is COLLEGE. this is where the magic really happens.

(*note: notice how 'college' is more frequently associated with parties than 'university'? i reckon this is partially an american thing. but, personally, i just think 'college parties' sound way more fun! here in north bay, i've had the unique opportunity to party with 'college' kids and 'university' kids...and i'm going to go out on a limb and say there IS a difference. gosh, i love partying with those college kids.)

annnnyway. where was i? oh, right! the college party stereotype. is post-secondary partying anything like the movies? because the movies are outrageous. well, i guess in SOME places it is. but kids, please remember, this is canada. we don't do frat houses and sororities. but does that mean we don't know how to party?! does that mean that OUTRAGEOUS things don't happen? pfffft, hardly.

if you've come to canadore or nipissing, you should definitely give your school some credit. for a small school, on top of a mountain in itty, bitty north bay, we sure know how to party. we're somewhat notorious, in fact!! and this is not just some romanticized delusion in my own head. i've talked to friends from other schools, i've visited other campuses, and i've met the folks who come HERE to experience a crazy weekend. let's face it...we know how to have a good time.

saturday night was a prime example. as a thank you to the canadore and nipissing frosh leaders, buddah dj'd a kegger at anna mary's and christian's downtown. house parties with dj's? yeah, these are the types of the things that make life in north bay feel like the movies. throw in a keg, numerous 60's, a packed house full of sweaty, swaying bodies, and drinking games, and you have yourself a whirlwind of a good night. now you throw in a little everclear, and your night gets pretty ridiculous. ridiculously AMAZING!

yes, yes, i know...i've supposedly retired from this lifestyle. and i have. had i been at this party a few years ago, i'd probably be throwing up on the nearest stranger and breaking furniture. in a house packed full of some of the drunkest people alive, i remained in control. i busted moves of ridiculous proportions with my dearest friends, my amazing boyfriend and enjoyed the company of friends i've met along the way. and it was amazing!!! in a sense, i think it helped grant me some closure to frosh week, and all of the wonderful things about it that i will miss so much.

leaving north bay and leaving nipissing will be hard. it will certainly be different. i'm trying to brace myself for the inevitable culture shock of real life. BUT, i am so, SO thankful for nights like these :).

the little details

2008-11-13T23:04:00.005-05:00

- mmmm, sleeping in.
- eggs, toast and hashbrowns.
- $40 from the university for being a frosh leader and all! thanks nipissing!!!
- urologist smirologist. there's nothing wrong with me!! hurrayyy!!
- bye bye rogers. hello koodo!! [plus, dad's paying for it.]
- FINALLY finished the order of the pheonix. half-blood prince? you're mine!
- mmm, veg chick'n burg.
- 3 new books. thanks amazon!! [actually, thanks nathan :)]
- one step closer to being totally prepared when the zombies come.
- heart & stroke fundraiser coming along!! [more about this shortly]
- cd collection finally all ripped.
- cute outfit planned out for work tomorrow [cowgirl stylez].
- notes organized.
- dishes done.
- bedroom clean.
- bathroom clean.

noooo homework!!
i've definitely been a homeworkaholic this year. and when i'm not doing that, i'm either being a straight up workaholic or a sleepaholic. in the process of doing these things, the other most basic aspects of my life slowly start to crumble. little messes get bigger and bigger until they're driving me crazy and i'm so unsettled that i can't focus on much of anything. so, now and then, it's nice to have a day to devote to my life. days to run errands and pay bills and clean house and not feel bad about it...most people don't like these sorts of days, but i find them fulfilling somehow. it's SO much easier to pay attention to the more important stuff when the little details are taken care of.

so yeah, today was a good day.

i've lost you :(

2008-11-11T09:33:00.003-05:00

i've lost my cell phone, and i'm feeling a little lost without it. don't get me wrong. i'm hardly a 'phone person' by any means. mine is a piece of garbage in fact. BUT it's a piece of garbage that serves as my link to my grandparents, plan maker, postive-sentiment sender, alarm clock, and general time keeping device. i don't own a house phone and i pay around $60/month for the damn thing.

i wish it was as easy as just buying a new one, but since roger's [like any other phone company i've dealt with] are money-hungry douchebags, i'm pretty sure there isn't a way that i can do this without paying a ton of money and/or extending my contract. i've got roughly one year left on my contract, and i'm rather anxious for it to expire, so i can just start from fresh...with or without rogers [i haven't decided yet]. if i have to pay a lot of money for a new phone that's only going to extend my contract, i think i'd rather just buy it out. gahhhh.

so, basically...i've got my fingers crossed that karma will be good to me and ensure that my piece of crap cell phone finds it's way back to me.

live. love. llama.

2008-11-09T18:54:00.007-05:00

i spent my sunday afternoon with the fine folks at llama, partaking in a rad-tastic photo shoot for their '09 collection, which is launching at the wall next saturday!

i can't reveal too much because we want you to be surprised and impressed with their awesome new designs, but i CAN tell you that you should check this stuff out next saturday, at the wall. doors open at 11am!! if you can't make it during the day, you can view and purchase llama goods during winterfresh, which is going down that night.

fun, creative designs on comfy, colourful american apparel t-shits, hoodies and more!! what's not to love?!

plus, stay tuned for our adorable photos from the day on the llama website, and at the launch. yessss!

getting involved like it's my job

2008-11-08T18:37:00.011-05:00

when i'm not busy working, in class or doing homework, i'm still keeping myself busy. i guess i like to constantly be busy, and while sometimes i feel like i would do just about anything for some downtime, i do get myself involved in some pretty rad stuff. i firmly believe that university is what you make of it, and that the more you put in to it, the more you will get out of it. i've made a point of getting involved in all sorts of different things from the beginning, but since my drinking has gone down, i find myself busier than ever. this is some of the stuff that i've been up to over the past week...

last saturday, nathan and i went down to veritasse for 'nourish north bay', an event featuring local musicians (including dave and cole) in an attempt to collect food and raise money for the food bank. i had heard all sorts of great things about this place so i was pretty stoked to check it out firsthand. it's a relatively new, not for profit coffee shop across from cibc. the variety of warm drinks is stellar (i recommend the white hot chocolate!), and i personally love that the food is primarily vegetarian/vegan. you would think that something like this would be expensive, but the prices were totally reasonable. in addition, the atmosphere is modern, unique and relaxing. soooo, i'm pretty much in love with the place. the music was awesome, and the fact that the money is going to such a great cause is just the icing on the cake. while i don't often venture downtown, i hope to make a point of going more in the future. nathan was so impressed that he's now arranging his own show down there with some other local musicians in january. i'll keep you posted!

on sunday, i had my second nusu street team meeting, where we gathered for a pot luck (i made my standby spinach dip!) and started making nusu's float for next weekend's xmas parade. to the best of my knowledge, this is the first year for an official street team, but i think it's a pretty rad idea. essentially, we're just a group of people who meet now and then to help marianne out with creating and promoting social events! most of us are frosh leaders, but anyone is welcome to join. i think it's a really great opportunity for people who want to get involved on campus, so hopefully there will be new faces turning out throughout the year. plus, i haven't been involved in a santa claus parade since elementary school...i'm thinking it might be kind of fun :).

this week i also got involved in the eac's clothing swap. the event was so successful, we extended it all week, and i really hope that we can do another one next semester. if you missed out on it, basically it's the perfect opportunity to get rid of old clothes and to get some new ones for free! lots of people have perfectly good clothing that either just doesn't fit right, or isn't quite their style; however, one person's trash is often another person's treasure! why waste money on brand new clothes if you can get them for free?! this is pretty easy to organize, opposes consumerism, encourages reusing and is exciting! it just makes sense.

on monday, we had our third official zombie club meeting! while it appears that monday perhaps isn't the most suitable night for a meeting, we still managed to have some pretty solid discussion! we examined some of the best and worst places to be on campus in case there is a zombie outbreak, and considered how we would use the limited resources available to us. this lead to discussion about which personal assets and skills are key in surviving a zombie attack, which we're hoping to discuss further at our next meeting (which will be on tuesday). oh! exciting news! we've been declared an official club by nusu/csrc, and have received $200 funding! now we need to come up with creative ways to spend the cash :).

from wednesday until today, i've been super busy volunteering to do road crew stuff for the coca (canadian organization of campus activites) conference, which was held in north bay this year! it's been pretty hectic (like 10 hour days), but it was sweet getting to check out some talented new bands, who really haven't made it big yet (my favourites were forest city lovers, uss and rudeboy). plus, meeting new people and the occasional free meal or t-shirt are always perks.

somehow i still find time to attend classes, do some homework, shop on-line, pay off some debts, chat with my grandma, get a sweet haircut from the hair designers, hang out with nathan and drink some steamwhistle. oh, and constantly revamp my plans for the future. of course.

life is good. always busy. but good.

ps: props to a gaping void. i seriously love this guys work. i'm actually toying with the idea of getting one of his drawings as a tattoo! whee!!

full shoes

2008-10-29T14:29:00.008-04:00

fourth year student, grad school hopeful, waitress and occasional bartender, road crew member, frosh leader, nusu street team member, environmental action committee regular, zombie defense club vp, friend, room mate, girlfriend and family member...

"active blogger" used to be on the list, but even with self-declared wicked time management skills, i confess i have been slacking; however, in my defense, i haven't missed an assignment, i've stayed on top of all of my readings, i've studied hard for tests and i've made it to most of my classes. additionally, i work at least 20 hours a week, try and get in as much quality time with friends and boyfriend as possible, and still manage to get full night's of sleep!

there are lots of things i wish i had more room for...free time for one! but i feel like i'm actually living a productive life and that's satisfying. i see my hard work now as an investment for my future...a future that is still more or less uncertain, but undoubtedly exciting!

so, for those of you who just can't wait to see what i'll come up with next...hang in there! i think things are starting to wind down (just in time to start picking up again!), so the best is likely yet to come :). now, i suppose i should get back to my history of the north american environment lecture...

ps: despite my hectic lifestyle, i still make time to creep a lot of you nipissing bloggers. so far, it's been interesting. thanks for providing me with reading material in the driest of classes :)

a softer world.

bad choices

2008-10-18T15:55:00.008-04:00

i always crave milk when i'm hungover, and it seems that it is never, ever a good choice. ugh.

happy thanksgivin'er boys and girls!

green eggs and ham

2008-10-09T17:21:00.007-04:00

forewarning, this is blatantly inspired/stolen from shauna's blog. i decided after commenting on one of her entries, that since i had already expended the effort, i might as well x-post the ideas.

shauna wrote about how one can incorporate tofu or soy milk into their diet now and then, enjoy the taste and the health benefits, and still not be about to turn into a big hippie. hell, it doesn't even mean you're going to turn into a vegetarian. these days, it feels like both of these labels are lumped together and for whatever reason are associated with a degree of negativity. but WHY?! is there something so wrong with striving to have a healthy, balanced diet that doesn't involve the killing of animals? is it so terrible to make simple life choices with the state of the environment [and our FUTURE] in mind? i don't think so.

from my personal experience as a strict vegetarian, i've noticed that most people are very quick to judge. if you're eating tofu, you MUST be a vegetarian. if you don't even eat fish or chicken stock, you're so radical you MUST be a vegan. and then after they've decided that, they actively make a point of LOOKING for something that'll mean you've strayed away from that. they're WAITING for you to fall on your face so they can say 'i told you so', or make it seem like you just weren't good enough or something along those lines.

eating tofu or drinking soy milk now and then is GOOD for pretty well anyone. little steps like this are making a positive difference in ones health and the environment. who CARES if you haven't made every single, radical life-altering decision out there?! every little bit helps when you're doing something better for yourself and better for the world you live in. RIGHT?!

i mean really, it's none of your business what anyone else eats anyway. if you want to eat meat, all of the power to you! and i think THIS might be where the 'conflict' lies. so many carnivores get so frustrated with radical vegetarians and 'hippies' if you will, that the guard goes up and they become big hypocrites. if you're angry that "an entire group of people" make you feel like your lifestyle is 'bad' and 'wrong' and 'judgmental', then why would you turn around and throw the exact same accusations at another group of people? you already know you don't like being treated that way. i thought the golden rule accounted for something...or maybe we just all need to go back to kindergarten.

there's radicals on both sides of the fence, so i think it's just important to remember the basic principles of respect and treating others the way you want to be treated. and hell, be open minded! remember the dr. seuss book, green eggs and ham?! you might find vegetarianism a lot like that...without the ham of course.

moving forwards

2008-10-01T15:52:00.006-04:00

i'm really happy with life right now, and i'm even happier with the direction that it appears to be heading. for most of my university career, i've been scared that the best years of my life were rushing past, and that graduation would be the beginning of the end. keep in mind, other than knowing that i liked the environment, i didn't know what i wanted to do career-wise. i had no attachment to any particular place. i didn't really want a family. i didn't want to get married. i felt like i was something that could never be loved. on one hand, i felt like i had nothing to look forward to and on the other hand i had placed this pressure on myself that i had to be something great.

in the past year, my whole perception of the future and what i want it to be has changed. i'm now EXCITED to graduate! i want to go to grad school and there's only one place i want to do it-- dalhousie university in halifax [still torn between the MES and the MREM program though]. i'm hoping that this will lead to an exciting and enjoyable career in water management that will help me improve the state of the world. at the same time, i'm eager to have a home to call my own and would like to eventually get married and have a kid or two. i'm hoping with all of my heart that i have already found the person that i will do these things with. now THAT is an exciting reality.

as i scramble around trying to make the most of the present, while trying to plan for my future, i can't help but feel a genuine sense of peace and inspiration. between school, work, clubs, partying, relationships and the administrative side of life, i barely have a second to breathe, but at this point, it's satisfying.

ps: on an almost completely different note, the final stages of the zombie club are coming together. if you're interested in joining and haven't already contacted me or signed up for the mailing list, go check out the group on facebook! we can expect to be having our first meeting next week!!

finding the middle ground

2008-09-28T09:55:00.009-04:00

wow, i really wasn't kidding in all of my talk about parting ways with alcohol. to be honest, although i talked a big game in the summer and even in september, i really wasn't sure how i'd fare once school started.

last weekend, i made an attempt to go out and attend alexander keith's birthday bash at the wall [weeks too early, i might add]. i didn't have a great night and i left early so that i could wake up early on saturday. on saturday night, i attended a couple of house parties in honour of nathan's birthday, where i drank, but neglected to cause a scene and opted instead, to remember my evening. this was actually a fabulous evening and i could do with more nights like it.

this weekend, i was a flat out bore. friday evening i enjoyed a delicious nacho feast with nathan and tyler, but then went home and retired to bed early, seeing as how i'm still sick and felt it would be best to recuperate a little. not to mention, i didn't really make an effort to arrange any sort of plans for the evening. last night, i was hoping to go to cecil's after i finished working the ymca gala at the wall, but i got out later than expected, and while 11:30 is hardly too late to go to the bar, i knew that by the time i sat down for a moment, ate and got ready, it would either be too late, or i just wouldn't have much of a good time, so once again, i went to bed relatively early.

i wish i could say that my weekend has at least generated a lot of homework completion, but unfortunately it hasn't. i suppose i have been rather busy with work, but i don't like to make excuses and hopefully i'll get a fair bit done today. i rather enjoyed last sunday and wouldn't be at all disappointed if today proves to be half as relaxing.

in other somewhat related news, i DO seem to be making some progress in some other aspects of my life. i've been in communication with both a representative from dalhousie and a current student of the MREM program, in an effort to decide between that and the MES program. they have been SO helpful, and i'm really hoping that i get accepted [although i have been formulating back-up plans].

in preperation for gaining relevant volunteer experience for graduate school, i've contacted the north bay stewardship council and the north bay-mattawa conservation authority in an effort to arrange to do some volunteer work [hopefully in my 'field'], so i'm pretty excited about that. now it's just a matter of making the TIME to do volunteer work.

i've also been keeping myself busy on campus. i've finally joined the environmental action committee [eac], and i think it's going to be a very positive experience for me. it feels nice to do something a little different on campus and i think it'll be a good opportunity to meet some interesting new people. last week was our first meeting, so i'm interested to see what and who this week will bring. of course, i'm hoping that this also looks good on my dalhousie app.

i've also agreed to me a member of the nusu street team, to help plan events on campus through nusu. i pretty much have always done this, but now there is an official title, and we will be having meetings. i think it's a really great idea and it's organization makes me feel glad that i voted marianne for vp student life. hopefully it'll bring more ideas to the table and ensure that there are more awesome opportunities for students to get involved!!

lastly, i know you're all curious about how the zombie defense club is shaping up [YES, i am still being serious about this]. we have a list of interested members, and i've made up brochures, although we still haven't become 'official' through nusu/csrc. whether this happens or not, we still plan to run the club, even if it's without funding. now, if i had it my way, we would've already e-mailed everyone interested and maybe even have had our first meeting, but i'm not actually the one in charge, although i have been trying my best to push the issue. i'd really like to arrange a 'zombie walk' on campus, before halloween!

i guess, to summarize, i've been very busy, but i've just been rearranging my priorities. less drinking and more interest in clubs, volunteering, homework, quality time and planning my future. still, i'm a little disappointed with my weekend [perhaps i just don't like to give myself a break], and hopefully can arrange some sort of party plans for next weekend. nothing CRAZY...just, something. as always, i will continue to find the balance between working hard and playing hard. it's my last year at nipissing and i don't want to leave with any regrets.

ps: props to toothpastefordinner for today's picture. i freakin' LOVE this comic. well, i used to. i must confess that over the past year or so, it's pretty much gone so far down hill that it rarely draws so much as a half-smile out of me, but if you check the back dated comics, they are hilarious. i have all of my favourites saved on my laptop :]

looks like someone has a case of the monday's

2008-09-22T09:47:00.006-04:00

not unlike the rest of the world, i seem to have caught a brutal cold. i thought i had conquered the inevitable post-frosh week downfall of my immune system in record time, recovering from my previous battle in less than a week, however, i appear to have relapsed and i'm starting to get the feeling that i'm in this for the long haul. i got very little sleep last night, as my throat is so sore and swollen that i find it hard to breathe. i sound like a man, ache all over, am rocking double ear aches and have fierce stomach cramps to boot.

i'm glad i got up early so that i could at least shower. those who know me best, know that i don't especially like to shower and don't do so on a daily basis like most people. this isn't gross because 1) i rarely exert myself enough to sweat and 2) i have healthy hair and great skin, therefore i don't want to push my luck. not to mention that my hair is usually an investment that i'm not willing to wash down the drain. those who live with me know that i rarely shower in the morning and generally prefer the most random times of the day to clean myself. needless to say, i MUST be ill if a morning shower is in order.

i have to go to work and class, and am hoping to get myself feeling as top notch as possible so that i can enjoy nathan's birthday [happy birthday nathan!]. i figured the best way to get my day off to a good start would be by having a great breakfast. i'm totally craving egg whites. unfortunately, on saturday night, the entire cupboard/fan/lighting unit above the stove fell off the wall [and onto me], and is presently perched precariously on top of my stove, so eggs are not an option.

i'm trying to be optimistic about today.
i like to get monday's off to a bright start. but seriously, my head hurts, my stomach feels like crap and i can't even cheer myself up with eggs. instead, i get to go to work [it's garbage can cleaning day] and then class and then the library to do math. hmpf.

on a brighter note, my new hair straightener works great and nathan seemed to like his first birthday presents.

it happens every year

2008-09-15T18:23:00.005-04:00

where to start?

september. it never fails to arrive with no less subtlety than a hurricane. i'm minding my business all summer, slaving away at a job i can't stand, living quietly, counting down to anything i can cling to...and then all of a sudden, there is a series of jarring changes and i find myself with barely enough time to eat, sleep or process what is going on around me. i thrive off of this.

frosh week was the most strenuous yet, but perhaps one of the most rewarding. i had a really great group of kids on my team, that i really hope i can keep in touch with. also, being a veteran [to the max], i felt a certain responsibility to raise the bar for myself and to set an example for others. i busted my ass and worked hard to not only keep up the spirit, but to lend a hand wherever i could to ensure that the week went as smoothly as possible. this is especially hard to do when struggling with the complexities of 'real life', as i suggested in my last post, but i persevered despite wanting to quit about half way through.

through most of the week, i dealt with a rocky period in my relationship. it was hard going from here to halifax to toronto to frosh week with little time to regroup. we sort of lost our bearings, and it was frustrating to not be able to commit the time that i wanted to, to make things right again. still, we talked when we could and tried to remind each other of the bottom line and the things that really matter, and now, i feel like things are going better than ever. relationships take work, so some things that i've been trying to work on as of late include...

1. don't nitpick.
2. give compliments where compliments are due.
3. don't hesitate to say 'i love you'.
4. rather than always trying to think about 50 million things, give each thing their time, and take advantage of the moment.
5. when there isn't a large quantity of time, try to make it quality time.

in addition, on the wednesday of frosh week, while standing at the bus stop, covered in mud and wearing a garbage bag, i received a devestating phone call from my grandmother, who has been battling cancer. her tumour inside had ruptured and she had been hemorrhaging, and was at risk of bleeding out within a week, if it didn't clot up on it's own. i probably should've given up and gone home right there, but she insisted i stay and finish out the week and that she would call me if things got worse. thankfully, more than a week has passed and she's still alive. she's still bleeding and the outlook is not promising, although, she is not in imminent danger of hemorrhaging any more. just the same, nathan and i went home this weekend, so that i could spend some time with her and so that he could meet my family.

it was a pleasant weekend, and as a result, i finally feel like i let myself relax and little and sorted out the clutter that had been accumulating in my brain. and of course, time with my grandmother is growing increasingly more valuable, although i fear that sometimes i'm ignoring the direness of the situation. to be quite honest, my heart just can't take it...but in time, i will learn. i really have no choice.

with my attention being drawn to so many commitments and concerns, i feel as though perhaps my friendships have been neglected, however, our recent decision to form the zombie defense club through csrc/nusu has made me feel a little more optimistic [yes, i'm being completely serious. message me for details]. time here at nip is ticking, and i want to be able to spend as much quality time with my friends as possible, without abandoning my other commitments, and this provides the great opportunity for us to do something epic and ridiculous, as has always been our standard. it's also sort of nice, that this will provide an opportunity for us to spend time together NOT drinking and outside of our dingy living room's. needless to say, i'm really excited about it. keep your eyes out at club days, for our table and brochures!

i hope all is going well with you lovely readers, and that the return to school has been full of excitement, delightful new discoveries and comforting old standby's.

ps: one last thing, please remember that you can recycle all batteries either at the nusu/csrc office and the nipissing registar's office! also, if anyone is interested in taking over the battery recycling program after this year [i run it by myself right now], please let me know! i'm considering just turning it over to rez, and their think recycle program, although any input is encouraged and appreciated.

pss: today's picture is from post secret. most of you have probably at least heard of post secret, but if you haven't i defintely recommend checking it out. updates on sunday are something i look forward to all week!

frosh leaders

2008-08-31T12:51:00.007-04:00

we're the first ones you meet in college or university. we're the ones your parents think fall somewhere between upstanding young adults and completely insane. we're here to answer your questions, carry your things and hopefully settle some nerves. and that's before frosh week even starts.

as the week progresses we aim to try and be support for this awkward transitional time. we want the first week of your post-secondary experience to be one that you will remember for the rest of your life. we want you to find yourself amidst all of the chaos and emotion.

we're outgoing, loud and tend to be terrible dancers. we come off as self-confident and carefree. we work hard and we party hard. we arrive early and leave late. we demonstrate organization, perseverance and commitment.

you don't see the meetings behind the scenes. you don't see the dance classes. you don't realize how hungry we are or how little we slept the night before. regardless of what is going on in our personal lives...we are there for YOU, and will do anything to ensure that you are as comfortable and having as much fun as possible. we do it for numerous reasons, but largely, we do it because someone else did it for us and it changed our lives.

i love frosh week. clearly. i wouldn't be back for my fourth run as a leader if i didn't. coming to university improved my quality of life exponentially, and i want to give back! i love the people i work with and the kids we do it for. i want every shy kid to find their niche. i want the kid who wants to dance, but can't pull themselves off the wall, to just do it and feel comfortable doing so. i love being a mentor and being able to offer advice and guidance for years after frosh week. it feels like i'm doing my part to make a positive contribution and that feels amazing.

but it is hard. can't deny that.

real life and all of the good things and bad things in it need to be put aside for over a week, because for that week...we are not the priority. we have a responsibility, and regardless of what's important in 'real life', we've agreed to be committed to something else for a week. family problems, relationships, financial stress, school concerns...we can't let these things overwhelm us, because when we do...our commitment shifts, and we fail as a leader.

but these things do not go away. real life is waiting for us when we wake up on monday morning, still exhausted, hungover and conflicted between feeling sad and relieved that it's over, excited to get back to the things you used to enjoy and worried about not being able to push aside life's stresses any more.

i'm having a blast.
but at the same time, i am so excited to get my life back in order. it needs some fixing up, and i feel guilty that i can't spend time doing that. i'm really, really excited to see what the upcoming school year brings. i've got a lot of drive and optimism, and i just want to get started. this year could very well dictate the rest of my life...and if that plays out the way i want it to, i've got the world to look forward to.

but the world has to wait. right now, it's all about the frosh.

bottles to the ground

2008-08-27T12:46:00.004-04:00

the thing about drinking...is that it rarely, if ever actually improves a situation.

you spend a lot of money getting addicted to a substance that doesn't really taste great and is packed with empty calories so that you may become stupid, angry and/or emotional in addition to coming off as a complete social retard. in the end, you're lucky if you even remember making a complete fool of yourself, and you feel like you've been run over by a garbage truck. not to mention, you get to face the ridicule of friends and strangers for days [or even years!] to come, and the recurring feelings of guilt and regret. repeat.

we do this to ourselves and you'd swear we were making an awesome choice, by the sounds of all of the 'fun' we had.

"man, last night i got so drunk i threw up on someones lawn, fell into a bush and then later wandered around my house in my underwear and kicked my room mate. it was such a good night!"

yeah, fucking awesome.

so, the cons surely outweigh the pros, so what's it all for?

breaking down restraints. overcoming shyness. blissful, uninhibited nights with great people who are feeling just as carefree as you are. escaping problems, if only for an evening.

but how much of that is the alcohol? if you do this drunk...you have it in you to do this sober. that rad person is ALWAYS a part of you, and those great people you surround yourself with are always great. acknowledging and coping with problems is much healthier than drowning them in a bottle of tequila. you have the power to reveal your finer 'drunk' qualities at will, but it takes work...and alcohol is easy. alcohol is a shitty excuse for a lot of things, and in the end...

is it worth it?

if you'd asked me two or three years ago, i'd say it was worth every single penny, blackout and social disturbance.

but now? not so much.

who ever thought that the wastecase would grow up and rearrange her priorities? and so soon?! but there are people i love who are a bajillion times more important than getting drunk. there is NOTHING so good about alcohol that can make straining those relationships worthwhile. i'm also into valuing self-respect, intelligence and good manners these days. i enjoy trying not to waste money so i can actually buy myself nice things, put food in my belly and travel. i want to have more time and money for learning, growing and putting towards my future. i don't like feeling like a sack of ass for days. it's just. not. worth. it!

yes, i think it's safe to say that alcohol and i are starting to part ways, and i think it will be happening much sooner than anticipated. at this point i'm not even interested in drinking to celebrate my birthday tomorrow, or even drinking at 9:01 on frosh leader sunday. i might. but as of right now, i'm not interested. maybe it's the hangover.

ps: that story about the retard falling into a bush? that was totally me a few weeks ago.

those who like it, like it a lot

2008-08-22T10:27:00.010-04:00

after traveling by city bus, coach bus, shuttle bus, train, subway, car, van, ferry and plane to venture to halifax and back, there is something to be said for the comforts of home. i ran out of clean socks midway through the trip and our toothpaste supply ran out the day before we headed back to toronto. we slept in small, awkward beds, showered in flip flops and stored food in the questionable floor fridge at our own risk. these things considered, i have virtually no complaints and no regrets...our halifax getaway was everything we were hoping it would be.

we stayed in gerard hall, one of dalhousie's residence buildings. not only was it super cheap, secure and reasonably clean, but the location really couldn't have been beat. we were no more than a 15 minute walk away from just about anywhere a traveller might need to go, including the tourist-friendly waterfront, pubs with live music, greasy pizza joints, coffee shops and american apparel.

we got things off to a good start on our first day by touring a large portion of the downtown core along the waterfront. we walked along the boardwalk where we got to see tons of boats in the harbour, enjoy the busker festival and check out a few little shops. after i had developed blisters and both nathan and i had found ourselves rather thirsty, we ventured to bearly's, for a beer and to examine the best of halifax, a free publishment listing off the best bars, stores, doctor's, causes, musicians, you name it...this became a sacred document. for our first dinner on the coast, i insisted we find a seafood restaurant so nathan could get his fill, and so we settled on the little fish, a slightly upscale place with great food [even for veggie's, such as myself!].

day two, somewhat resembled day one, in that there was a LOT of walking [seemingly all uphill]. we got up early-ish so that we could check out the farmer's market that is hosted in the alexander keith brewery on saturday morning's. if you're ever in halifax, i definitely recommend this place. it's HUGE and sells everything from food to clothing, at a reasonable price [special props to the delcious belgian waffles!]. despite torrential downpours, this ended up being one of the highlights of the trip for me, as i love to see this type of community support and development. it's also inspired me to take more initiative to support north bay's own farmer's market.

due to the rain, this seemed like a good idea to check out some of the malls, where we could dry off and grab some cheap poncho's. although we found what we were looking for, the first two malls seemed like such dud's, that we got curious as to where scotian's actually do their shopping, so we took a gamble on city transit, and ventured to a third option. upon arriving at our desired destination, there appeared to be no mall in site. somewhat let down, we referred to our 'best of...' guide, and decided to hit up quinpool road, where there appeared to be many hot spots. being poor, we walked there. we walked and we walked and we walked...we walked for what seemed like forever, only to receive our second let down- there was nothing appealing on quinpool. tired and disgruntled, we turned and headed for home. we worked it out that we walked approximately 25 km that afternoon.

after such a long day, we felt this would be the perfect night to enjoy a pub crawl. we started things off at the economy shoe shop, which i had heard prior to our travels, have the best nachos around. they certainly deserve their reputation. with our bellies full of nachos and beer, we spent the rest of the night jumping from pub to pub...hitting up about 7 in total. we attempted to go to a few others, but they were either too packed or we didn't feel like paying cover. by the time we tossed our drunk asses into bed, we were ready to sleep like babies.

we planned for sunday to be a quiet 'hangover day', although we didn't want to waste it either. we headed down the street to the discovery center, a science center probably better suited for children, but equally fun for the young at heart. it was pretty cheap and we had a blast playing around here all afternoon. in the evening, we found the nearest movie theater and checked out the much anticipated star wars movie. it was somewhat of a letdown.

monday was super tourist day! we ventured out relatively early to check out the citadel and the museum of natural history [which was featuring an exhibit on sea monsters!]. it was a TON more walking with a serious lack of nourishment, but fun just the same. we followed this up with some more economy shoe shop nachos and a nap. in the evening, we wandered around the dalhousie campus a little and went for a swim in the dalplex [dal's athletic's complex].

tuesday i had a meeting with a representative for the MREM (masters of resource and environmental management) program, seeing as how i'm really hoping to get into dal for graduate school. the meeting was informative, however, since then i've been reconsidering and am now torn between that program and the MES (masters of environmental science) program. the MREM is 16 months, has a paid internship rather than a thesis, but receives no funding from dal, whereas the MES program is 2 years, consists of a thesis and students receive financial assistance. there are some other factors to consider, but i'll likely get into that on another day. i was also signed up for a campus tour, but since nathan and i had already seen a lot of the campus on foot, we bypassed it so that he could talk to a representative from the history MA program. we both left out meetings inspired and urgently re-evaluating our plans for the future.

later in the afternoon, we took the tour of the alexander keith's brewery. this was also a trip highlight. not only do you get 2 pints included in the tour, but there's traditional singing, dancing and games. it was the perfect way to wrap up a trip to the east coast. we followed this up with dinner at the wooden monkey, an organic restaurant with a large vegetarian/vegan selection and absolutely no deep fryer. our server was insanely well informed our meal's were delicious. i wish more places like this existed.

from here on out, our trip was a whirlwind of packing, traveling and sleeping. when we got back to toronto on wednesday, we were exhausted and in bed by 10, only to get up bright and early, so nathan and i could part ways as i jumped on the bus to north bay, and he set out to visit a friend in his hometown. now that i'm 'home', i feel like i need to be running in a half dozen different directions at once. i'm enjoying the time to relax, but feel lazy when i do so. i feel compelled to decide what i want to do after graduation NOW. i want to spend time with friends, but at the same time, i really just have a lot i need or want to get done on my own. i'm trying to get mentally prepared for frosh week. i'm trying to take care of myself financially. i'm trying to get my environment clean and comfortable again. i sort of wish it would at least rain so i wouldn't feel as guilty for being a hermit.

mostly, i can't help but feel so READY to get on with my life. halifax has the rare quality of having the beauty and genuineness of a small town, but the conveniences and opportunities of a bigger city. everything people say about he east coast is true...it's gorgeous, loaded with history and the people are ridiculously friendly. after spending time there, north bay feel like somewhat of a wasteland. i'm going to enjoy my last year here at nipissing. it's treated me better than i possibly could've imagined and helped me grow in ways i didn't think possible. while i am a little scared to leave behind my friends and the familiarity of the community here, i am so, SO excited to dive into something new. even if i don't get accepted to dal, i'm going to try my hardest to find a job out on the east coast after graduation. ever since nathan first proposed our adventure back at the beginning of the year, it's been calling to my heart, and after spending time there, the desire has only been reinforced.

i have no idea how i'm going to do it, or where i'm going to end up...but one way or another 2009 is going to be very, very interesting.

isn't this period in one's life EXCITING?!

ps: i tried to upload a bunch of photos for your viewing pleasure, but blogger didn't like it. so, if you're interested check my facebook for 5 albums of atlantic goodness.

adventure here i come!

2008-08-13T10:53:00.003-04:00

i feel like a little kid on christmas morning! this morning i woke up an hour early and was so anxious and excited that i couldn't get back to sleep, so i tossed and turned and disturbed nathan until it was time to get up. in about an hour, i'm off to catch the train for toronto! i'm really excited to spend some time in the city and to meet nathan's family, and then on friday, it's off to halifax!! we've been planning this since before reading week and now it's finally happening. i'm ecstatic.

wheeeee!!!
pictures and updates when i get back :].
enjoy the next couple of weeks suckassss!

revelations

2008-08-08T10:22:00.003-04:00

this past week has gone by much faster than anticipated. i've laughed a lot and i've cried a lot, and i've been given a LOT to think about. the older i get, the more i learn how little you can take for granted, and how important it is to treasure the few things that you can.

i'm heading back to north bay armed with gamma's most important life lesson's, and some new perspectives on ALL of the people whom i hold most dear. i guess the imminent reality of losing a loved one really has an impact on the way one sees the world and the people in it. i imagine all of the traveling i have planned for the next few weeks, will give me lots of time to mull things over. call me an overly-sentimental sap, but at this point, i'm just itching to get back to the bay for some heart to heart action.

on that note, i should probably get packing!
lots more to come soon.

the insatiable miss

2008-07-31T14:31:00.005-04:00

i guess i'm truly blessed in that it seems like i can't be anywhere without my heart aching for those whom i love enough to miss. it's a real coming of age thing that i've been struggling with ever since i first moved away. while i thought that it would get easier as time progressed, it seems that in reality people only become more spread out, both physically and emotionally.

when i'm in north bay, i miss my family and closest lady friends from highschool, but as soon as i go see them, i miss nathan, the friends who are like family, and the sense of home that i have built here. i haven't even left yet, and i'm feeling that sinking knot of homesickness as i try to accept that i'll be gone for just over a week. it's only a week!! it should be nothing...but just the same, i can't help but feeling a sense of injustice.

on the other hand, i'm very excited to see my family and spend time at my grandparents, reliving childhood memories and building new traditions [i'll talk about that a little bit later because i think you might find it interesting]. above all, it's really important for me to get in some quality time with my grandmother as it may be one of my last opportunities to do so...a thought that makes me physically ill. i seem to go through phases where i turn the harsh reality of my grandmother's failing health off and on in my head. the other morning i awoke in a panic to find the switch had been turned on, and it's been troubling me ever since.

i'm also curious to see what it'll be like to see my dad again. it's been two years now, with very little communication, over which time i've built up some undeniable resentment. just the same, i imagine our encounter can go in any direction. he should be honored really. i've never given so much thought to my biological father.

and of course, i can't forget the fact that i get to spend a week with the wife! with everything that's been on my mind lately, i keep overlooking how excited i am for that!! regardless of how the rest of the trip goes, seeing her always brings light to my life.

i think overall, it's going to be a solid week. it's certainly something i need to do for a variety of reasons...but that does not change the fact that an important part of growing up is facing the fact that people come and go, and also realizing that love always triumphs over time and distance. still, that doesn't stop the heart from missing. nothing really ever does.

on a similar sort of note...

"you'll see when you move out...it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. and you can never get it back. it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. i mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. you won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start. it's like a cycle or something. i miss the idea of it. maybe that's all family really is...a group of people who miss the same imaginary place."- garden state

failure to kiss ass

2008-07-27T17:09:00.012-04:00

so, what's the deal with the title? this is a contest being run the university! people are going to read this. your dumb title is not only going to reflect poorly on you, but potentially reflect poorly on the school. i thought you wanted to at least stand a chance at winning this thing! seriously, what the hell are you thinking?!

valid concerns. point taken. allow me to clarify.

it was last year that the wonderful jon jefkins declared me nipissing's 'wastecase superstar', and while perhaps this isn't a title that should be embraced, i kind of liked the sound of it. mostly because 1) i knew it was true, and 2) the notoriety i have found at nipissing sort of makes me shake my head a little.

you didn't know me before i came here. nobody really did. in fact, i probably barely knew myself. i studied hard, had few friends and didn't really party. the only times i really drank were usually more self-destructive than anything else. so, how does a kind of weird, very shy girl from a small town find herself in the position of a premier party animal? you're guess is as good as mine. but it certainly didn't take long.

the things that left me feeling alienated in high school were embraced here and within hours of arriving, people were already talking about the girl with the pink hair and the pink mini-fridge to match. through nso, frosh week and one amazing room mate, i found myself more comfortable here than i had ever been before. although i initially found myself abstaining from the party scene, i knew it just wasn't going to last.

about a month in, the 'first university weekend' [as we affectionately call it] took my friends and i by storm and was the beginning of what would ultimately become our legacy. sarah kissed more boys than she would care to recollect, i was kissed despite still being in my relationship with lance, kathryn hooked up with travis and sean’s relationship with teena really started to fall apart. we accredit these disasters [and blessings] to a vile, yet wondrous drink known as tornados- a concoction of beer, vodka and mike's hard lemonade. the rest is history.

right away, i took opportunities to get involved through frosh week and various other functions, and it seemed the more i did, the more people i met, and the more people i met, the more opportunities i had to party. when i was finally of age second year, the bar became my second home. tequila tuesdays at the wall, wing night wednesday's at the moose, open mic night thursday's at fionn's, house parties on friday and wall theme night's on saturdays. through novelties such as 'the pitcher' and 'the kegger', i learned to appreciate beer as well as liquor, and drank plenty of both.

i've given myself a concussion. i've thrown up on a stranger. i dance terribly. i become a loud, close talker. i've passed out on bathroom floors. i've taken my pants off at the bar. i love hugs. i'm rarely angry. i drink liquor straight. i black out religiously. i have been kicked out of the wall more than anyone else in the bar's history [coincidentally, i also work there].

so, if you were having so much 'fun', what changed? why are you the former wastecase superstar?

ahhh, well young jedi, being a ridiculously over the top drunk is not only expensive, it is hard on the body. these days, hangovers last for days after i drink and half the time i can't remember my night anyway. it's just not worth it anymore. there are other priorities. i like to sit in and read. i like to have money to travel. i value good conversation. board games are pretty damn fun.

...it's just not the same, okay?! north bay is a small town and the scene gets old. being a 'superstar' wasn't really about the booze. it was about good times with great friends...and i still have those. don't get me wrong, i still party and from time to time, i still cause a scene. while i'm more than willing to pass on the torch to an up and coming generation of classy ladies, i'm not quite ready to fall into obscurity yet.

so, basically, what you're saying is...you're proud of the fact that you used to be a raging drunk and you still spend too much money on alcohol rather than focusing on your studies and your future? i'm pretty sure you're still not winning over nipissing.

no. what i'm saying is that nipissing gave me the opportunity to unleash a person that i didn't even know existed. i went from one extreme to the other, and going into my fifth year, have settled into the person i am today. this is a person who is well educated, self assured and no longer a complete social retard. a person who not only understands the importance of balance, but has mastered the ability to work had/play hard. in a recent job interview [at a bar, of course], i was asked what my proudest accomplishment was...and until that moment, i didn't even realize that i had a proudest accomplishment. but i do. my proudest accomplishment is that through nipissing and the party scene, i was able to gain the confidence to break out of my shell, and get involved both in my school and community. and THAT is something that nipissing should be proud of.

my title might fail to kiss ass, as will most of my entries undoubtedly, but i felt that if i was choosing such a strong title, it was important to share a little background info regarding who i am and where i came from. perhaps i'm seeking a little credibility, seeing as how i feel that one of the strongest aspects of my writings is my ability to be completely real, through the good and the bad. inevitably i suppose you will be the judges of that.

the first betrayal

2008-07-21T14:16:00.004-04:00

why this guilt?! i've been a committed deadjournal user for about seven years now, and despite better features offered by other 'blog'-hosting sites, i can't abandon seven years of revelations, frustration, amusement and self discovery. well, at least not until this contest came along...

nipissing is running a contest where you can win cash, gift certificates, a lappy or some other goodies for BLOGGING of all things. no boring essays or paying to mail in transcripts for the slight hope of winning some obscure scholarship or bursary. i mean, this is already a hobby...something i enjoy and do without any reward or compensation. i can get paid for this?! hell yes. sorry deadjournal, but i'll x-post my shit if need be.

it might be sort of nice to be able to interact more with a broader range of readers within the nipissing community via this interweb nerdiness. additionally, i am hoping this might be incentive to write posts with a little more substance. don't get me wrong, i'm not here to impress. for the most part, these entries, will be very similar to those that i have been writing for all of these years. while my words may come off as self-absorbed and redundant, i most certainly am not. this journal is still mine and while i encourage a selection of readers to peek inside my life, it is at it's deepest level, my own little therapy, written for me first and foremost. whether i'm talking about the days events, trying to understand life's little foibles or enjoying a stereotypical emo vent session, this is often the outlet that pulls me through. here, i can discuss things in ways i do not necessarily feel comfortable doing so in 'real life' with real people. here, i do not make my own thoughts and troubles other people's issues. here i can share my thoughts with the world! and it feels good.

i realize most of you know nothing about me. perhaps that's what makes all of this so interesting. because for better or for worse, you will. but that will have to wait until another day.

in the words of my ridiculous boyfriend,
peace out homeskillet slice dawgs.